• so sorry i haven't journaled in SOO long..my freaking garbage of a computer crashed several times and its finally working but we have to put ALL the software back on so today was a horrific day...i did not make varsity dance team...however i did make jounior varsity...except there are only 8 freaking people on my team, compared to 18 on the varsity...cool right??? yea i dont think so. so i was really upset this whole friday afternoon, yea friday wasted. the other sucky is part is all four of my friends got put on varsity so i have no one absolutely no one, except this ONE tenth grader i really like, but the other 6 i dont like this team just looks more and more like a joke to me so i guess the only part im really upset about is that ive been dancing for 12 years and its hard to find out so late in life that youre just not that good when you've based your whole life on it. thats the most confusing part to me but i guess all things happen for a reason...right? not so sure anymore i want out of this place more than ever, i want nothing to do with the outside world, nothing. this weekend is an opportunity to just find myself, be myself for once. all i've gotten today are phone calls and messages from ppl saying OH good job im just like shove it up your fucking ass, i know youre lying through your teeth, you know youre lying through your teeth so save it. i made jv i understand i suck. i wasted my life on something that wouldnt get me anywhere its hard to look at the world and know that no matter how bad you want some things you can never have them. it just sucks. all i want is to be alone, rethink my life, and to just get away from everything, switch schools, start over. i dont know if theres something better out there for me, this could be it, but i sure as hell can't take this anymore and its worth a shot. i just cant deal peace love DISAPPOINTMENT the phrase that pays

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