The song lyrics were written by the band Van Halen, as they were asked to write a song for the 1979 movie "Over the Edge" starring Matt Dillon. The movie (and the lyrics, although more obliquely) are about bored, rebellious youth with nothing better to do than get into trouble. If you see the movie, these lyrics will make more sense. It's a great movie if you grew up in the 70s/80s you'll definitely remember some of these characters from your own life. Fun fact, after writing the song, Van Halen decided not to let the movie use it.
Central Scrutinizer:
Hello there... this is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER... Joe was sent to a special prison where they keep all the other criminals from the music business... you know... the ones who get caught... it's a horrible place, painted all green on the inside, where musicians and former executives take turns snorting detergent and plooking each other...
... Anyway, listen, while he's in there he meets this guy who used to be a promo man for a major record company, named Bald-Headed John . . . King of the Plookers . . .
Father Riley B. Jones:
This is the story 'bout
Bald-Headed John
Former Execs:
Dong work for Yuda,
Dong, Dong
Father Riley B. Jones:
He talks a lot 'n it's usually wrong
Former Execs:
Dong work for Yuda,
Dong, Dong
Father Riley B. Jones:
He said Dong was Wong,
'N Wong was Kong
'N Dong work for Yuda,
'N John was wrong
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Dong work for Yuda
Dong, Dong
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
He said Dong was Wong
And Wong was Kong
And Dong was Gong
'N John was wrong
Father Riley B. Jones:
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
John's got a sausage that will make you fart
John's got a sausage that will break your heart
Make you fart
And break your heart
Don't bend over if you are smart
He took a little walk to the weenie stand
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
A great big weenie in both his hands
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
He sucked on the end 'til the mustard squirt
He said, "Ya'll stand back 'cause you might get hurt"
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
He said Dong was Wong
Wong was Kong
Kong was Gong
'N John was wrong
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Make way for the iron shaschige
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
I need a dozen towels so the boys can take a shower
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Bartender, bring me a colada and milk
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
On second thought, make that a water . . .
HtO
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Falcum . . .
Take me to the falcum!
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
I wave my bags
Did you wave your'n
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Well how much did they wave?
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Ah'm almost two kilometers tall
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
This girl must be praketing richcraft
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Don't worry about the faggot
I'll take care of the faggot
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Try it again,
Try it again
Try, try, try again . . .
etc., etc., etc.
Bald-Headed John:
Your Pomona is very extinct . . .
Yeah, I studied with the Dong of Tokyo
'N also with the oriental Kato . . .
My body contain uh water
I just loves the way these Copenhagens talks!
Driver, McDoodle . . .
Sausage
Salima
Salami
That looks like that stuff Freckles lets out
Once a mumfth . . .
Central Scrutinizer:
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER . . . Poor Joe. He's getting tired from bending over . . . but we tried to warn him . . . didn't we? Okay, Joe . . . you asked for it . . . here comes The Big One . . .
Hello there... this is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER... Joe was sent to a special prison where they keep all the other criminals from the music business... you know... the ones who get caught... it's a horrible place, painted all green on the inside, where musicians and former executives take turns snorting detergent and plooking each other...
... Anyway, listen, while he's in there he meets this guy who used to be a promo man for a major record company, named Bald-Headed John . . . King of the Plookers . . .
Father Riley B. Jones:
This is the story 'bout
Bald-Headed John
Former Execs:
Dong work for Yuda,
Dong, Dong
Father Riley B. Jones:
He talks a lot 'n it's usually wrong
Former Execs:
Dong work for Yuda,
Dong, Dong
Father Riley B. Jones:
He said Dong was Wong,
'N Wong was Kong
'N Dong work for Yuda,
'N John was wrong
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Dong work for Yuda
Dong, Dong
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
He said Dong was Wong
And Wong was Kong
And Dong was Gong
'N John was wrong
Father Riley B. Jones:
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
John's got a sausage that will make you fart
John's got a sausage that will break your heart
Make you fart
And break your heart
Don't bend over if you are smart
He took a little walk to the weenie stand
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
A great big weenie in both his hands
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
He sucked on the end 'til the mustard squirt
He said, "Ya'll stand back 'cause you might get hurt"
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
John's got a sausage
Yeh man
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
He said Dong was Wong
Wong was Kong
Kong was Gong
'N John was wrong
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Make way for the iron shaschige
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
I need a dozen towels so the boys can take a shower
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Bartender, bring me a colada and milk
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
On second thought, make that a water . . .
HtO
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Falcum . . .
Take me to the falcum!
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
I wave my bags
Did you wave your'n
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Well how much did they wave?
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Ah'm almost two kilometers tall
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
This girl must be praketing richcraft
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Bald-Headed John:
Don't worry about the faggot
I'll take care of the faggot
Former Execs:
Sorry John
Sorry better
Try it again
Try it again,
Try it again
Try, try, try again . . .
etc., etc., etc.
Bald-Headed John:
Your Pomona is very extinct . . .
Yeah, I studied with the Dong of Tokyo
'N also with the oriental Kato . . .
My body contain uh water
I just loves the way these Copenhagens talks!
Driver, McDoodle . . .
Sausage
Salima
Salami
That looks like that stuff Freckles lets out
Once a mumfth . . .
Central Scrutinizer:
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER . . . Poor Joe. He's getting tired from bending over . . . but we tried to warn him . . . didn't we? Okay, Joe . . . you asked for it . . . here comes The Big One . . .
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It's about John Smothers, his bodyguard, who was famous for two things: (a) sexually harrassing the younger male bandmembers (esp. Terry Bozzio) and (b) mispronouncing words and names.