Eden

Since the first time I listened to this song by chance played on Spotify by a friend I was immediately captured by it and stopped what I was doing to pay attention to it. As soon as the music starts something very deep, melancholic and remote always touched my heart. It really feels to me like a music for a funeral for how sad it is. But it's a very sweet sadness... it gives me that feeling of impermanence and regrets thinking about something that is no longer here. When I listened to this song the first time it was a night in August and me and my friends camped in a special place by the sea and the cliffs in a Mediterranean island ( won't say which one) and perfect visibility of the night sky...we saw an incredible shooting star, we made a fire, we played music...we were a group of friends including the guy I was seeing...at that point we knew each other for about 5 months, not a long time ... But he would tell me he loved me and he would be over excited about us in a way I felt immature or over the top.... in a way it didn't feel grounded and somehow idealising the relationship as I felt it was too early and that I didn't really know him enough. At the same time I had strong feelings for him, I never felt so connected with any other guy and we were basically almost living together since the start as he was my neighbour and we couldn't help always wanting to be together... but I was also feeling sad and confused and didn't understand clearly why I had these emotions... there was the fear of being hurt, the fear of depending too much on him, the fear of trusting him in telling me how much he loved me, the fear he was idealizing me, the fear he would break my heart. But there was also the feeling that I didn't really know him, that he would hide a part of him from me and that I couldn't fully get to him and trust him. But these things were not so clear in my mind... I had these confused mixed emotions and the song Eden would bring these sad feelings out ( at that time I wasn't paying so much attention to the words but more to the music and how it would give me this deep sweet sadness). Little I knew that two months later he would die by suicide. It all escalated very suddenly... When I started realising he was hiding a lot of things from me including an addiction. With his death I was so traumatized and destroyed also because I would never imagined he would do this as he would show himself always joyful with a childlike energy and light-hearted. Never showing heavy thoughts and depressive thinking. So it really felt impossible and surreal when it happened. My way to cope with his decision without losing my mind was to integrate the part of him I never saw, the side he was hiding from me and that subconsciously I felt as confusion and sadness when listening to Eden months before. I never tried to reach his Eden, I never tried to feel this vibration. With handsight I understood he was making use of opioids, not completely sure what exactly... but I would find him sometimes in a weird state and he would tell me it was " weed" but I kind of felt it wasn't just weed. But it didn't happen so often so I didn't give it too much focus. I wish I would. When I listen to Eden to me it's really a song that makes me think about all of this and I can find myself in every line of those lyrics filled with nostalgia and a lot of questions and sadly regrets. But there's also this beauty and this sweet sadness that it's cathartic. I never tried to reach your Eden... what if I did? So this is my long explanation about what this song means to me.