Razorblades

well I can't say I know exactly why this song was written, but I have a unique viewpoint from the others here so I'm going to share:

it's been a rough ride with my parents and we are so divided these days- or, rather, our old problems just are closer to the surface than ever. last night was the special dinner for my dad's retirement. my husband and I were the first to arrive, so we got to talk one on one with both my parents for a while. it didn't take long for my parents to shoot us down on our speculations about the world. "that's silly." didn't even let me explain my thoughts at all before launching into beating their opinions into us. killed the conversation underneath, but we let them parade on and let the night flow, not wanting to make things worse on the special occasion, but we didn't forget...

so, shortly before I woke up this morning, I had one of those dreams that really feel deeply meaningful. I haven't thought of Razorblades in a long time, so it was strange for it to appear in a dream. in the dream, I was cleaning my parents' house. after a while, we sat down to dinner together. but I was only about halfway through my meal when I started softly singing this song. I don't remember which parts of the song I sang. but I remember ending up setting my utensils down on the plate with the rest of my uneaten food, wanting to focus solely on my song. tear after tear rolled down my cheeks as I sang softly. parents kept on eating. I woke up, and began to ponder WHY Razorblades, when I haven't thought in that song in so long. so I looked up the lyrics, and quickly saw why it was so relevant to dealing with my parents:

"walking example of you"

....I'm their child, a "walking example" of them, get it?

"just wait for the silence"

...I've often said lately that one day they will not be able to turn from the truth anymore, and what will happen then??

"talking backwards to you"

...making myself less, in order to keep the peace and not exasperate them with my attempts to show them the light

"watching the world fall on you, I'm keeping my eyes closed, now I can see what this means to you... it meant nothing to me"

...they took the covid jabs and they aren't the same now, and it hurts to watch. I have warned them enough and can't do anything but protect my own self on that now. I can see now what it means to them to follow the world, while the world means nothing to me, or at least less than ever before.

"this wasted so many nights, and again I've wasted so much time on a friend"

...this one is too loaded to conclude simply. different factors. I've wasted time on all the corporate madness myself in my life, and am fighting to break free from it. I wasted so much time on fake friends and fake role models, searching for happiness, unable to rely on the counsel of my parents.

I could keep going. this song has meant different things to me over the years, but until now it has never made me think of the self-destruction I watch unfold within my family. how I'm having to let them make these choices and I can no longer go with the tides just to make them happy- I have to side with truth even if it makes them mad to hear. I believe one day they will see, but I fear they will learn a hard way at this point. ("you'll run til your legs break.)

in my dream was like at the dinner in real life, where I wanted to make my point, and I'm in deep sorrows, but they just continue on like nothing is wrong, even with evidence placed before them. they won't even GO there to investigate. at this point its practically a waste of time to talk to them about it, but I can't give up fully, as long as we're all here.

"too proud to understand... [but] this is the end."

and, even for my ignorant folks, "we should have seen this coming."

</3

it all led me to asking the same old question I've had since 2020: how did my parents manage to produce someone like ME, when they are so mainstream themselves, giving in to corporate whores? how am I so different from them? and I remembered all the freedom they gave me growing up. and all the ways they've encouraged me to find my own path, at least until recent years. it's made me suddenly able to answer the question: Thank you mom and dad, for giving me what you were afraid to use yourself. they may have been too cowardly to stand out from the crowd and acknowledge what's truly right, but it's as if they made sure their own children would have a chance to live out their wildest dreams. I'm the one who managed to hold onto my ideals and not give up on pure righteousness. thank you mom and dad for saving me when you felt you couldnt even save yourself from the wicked ways of certain people on this earth. when the fall comes I will catch you.