Second Door To The Right

I can relate to being a lonely, socially awkward, maladjusted outsider. I've gotten a LOT better, but I still feel lonely a lot despite having a handful of very, very close friends I'm still a little awkward, but being articulate and seeming sincere helps (note that I said "seeming"). Basically, I've gotten better at faking it. I don't feel any more confident; I don't feel any increased sense of self-worth.

I relate very well to people. I'm scared people won't relate to me. I'm also more of a passive observer than a hands-on, go-getter and shake-it-upper which is a doublefuck because I'm male and I'm expected to be like that. All relationships are based on your perception of the other person, so no worries (well, pretty much everything is perception). At the end of the day, it's a competition between the relationship you see and want versus the relationship the other person sees and wants. I also sometimes hate myself. A lot. I don't think I have ever really loved myself, but I've gotten better about tolerating the person in the mirror.

Craving non-existence, eh? If you feel like a malfunctioning product that is simply sitting on the shelf awaiting the release of the superior model, then you're already giving yourself too much credit. You have already been replaced. There is someone more or less just like you out there; similar or identical strengths, less weaknesses, better suited for this world, etc. In fact, there have probably been hundreds of thousands of people just like you, but better. You aren't waiting to be replaced; you have been replaced. In fact, you were outdated when you were released. And you call yourself a nihilist. ;)

Religion? I don't feel much of a need to discuss "religion" anymore. That's too general of a term. I share your pain over what religion tells women they can and can't do with their vagina though (at least in the West...). As someone who just recently got left by a Catholic girl after three and a half years, I can assure you that the damage it does to people is pretty real, though probably not inevitable.

You do a good job at feigning apathy, and it would almost be enviable if it weren't so irrational. I can't think of one scenario where I seriously thought to myself, "wow, I'm so glad I'm lazy, indifferent, jaded and cynical." Apathy is your enemy. The older I've gotten, the more I wished I would have gone out on a limb more often, made myself more vulnerable, and taken that shot. You know, asked that girl out, made that joke in class, stuck up for that kid getting picked on, etc.

Nothing good comes from apathy.