It finally happened. I had a boyfriend, Markus, for 4 years and he broke up with me a couple of years ago. I had really loved him but had seen it going south for about 5 months, when he'd been injured at work and started on painkillers (he was a recovering addict when we met)We'd always said the relationship would end in the case of committed relapse. He went on to heroin, according to his brother, Steve,whom I called to ask Markus to not call me whenever Markus tried to call me because the pain was too much. Everyone told me he'd done me a "mercy" because he ended our relationship at the exact time the addiction just BLEW up and he started doing horrible things. I'd always gotten along with Steve, who had always tried to stay in touch and be friends with me. But the pain was too fresh at for a while, he reminded me of Markus. I realized I was ready and called him last night. And he gave me the news. Markus died of an overdose in June. I met him when was clean and he was the happiest most alive and generous soul you could know clean. And I got him for that one time period in his adult life. Steve said when the family looked for a photo to use for the memorial, the only happy ones were with me so they used one with me but photoshop'ed me out (since I'm the woman who sicked Steve on Markus to tell him not to call me...would have been awkward). I was looking for the right song and most bereivement songs are all soft and sweet and oh I miss you but we'll meet again. This one is how I feel. I screamed and screamed last night. I couldn't be with him on those drugs but I always stupidly assumed he'd get clean again and make another life with another nice woman (Steve said I was the only girlfriend who wasn't a drugged out trainwreck). I cannot understand that the healthy strong body I knew every inch of is underground and dead. NOOOOOO!!!
I still and always have loved the real Markus, it was the drugs that were awful. Does he know that? Steve is taking me to the grave to tomorrow and I will be "putting flowers on [his]grave to show that I still care" This song says it perfecly, you do scream its not pretty sad tears, you scream and "reach to the sky and call out [the person's] name". Oh my baby, I hope someone is holding you and caring for you over there like I would if I could here. I do still love you Markus. Peaceful rest, my love. Always.
livedreamincoloron March 16, 2012 Link
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