Epic Rap Battle of Manliness

Rhett:
I was born with hair on my chest!
A gleam in my eye to latch onto a breast
I cut my own umbilical cord with my razor sharp teeth
Then i drove home while my mom rode on in the backseat
I didnt go through puberty, puberty went through me!
And it wasnt even awkward 'cause i made it happen instantly
If you adressed a letter to man and send it the mail
Rest assured id receive it but I aint gonna be your penpal!
My time is too valubal for that
Ill be too busy working a jackhammer!
Link:
You're a momma's boy! I was born in an arctic cave
And adopted by wolves! Thats how I was raised!
I didnt drink milk, I sucked the fangs of venemous snakes
I killed the first man that I met with just a firm handshake!
I potty trained myself, you're still bedwetting
I smell like charcoal when im sweating
And was the best man at my own wedding!
Search Google Images for "Masculinity"
Feel free to photoshop your face on that image of me!
Creative commons, punk
Meanwhile ill be adjusting some very large nuts
Rhett:
I rise before the sun, scre cicadian rhyth
I bathe with sandpaper and my underwear is denim
I shave with a boxcutter, blindfolded as well
'Cause when I look in the mirror, I intimidate myself!
Link:
I got no need for sleep, I never shut my eyes!
I tie fishing lured while I memorize Apache war cries!
The sun comes up when I tell it im ready
And i trim my nosehair with a razor sharp machete!
Rhett:
Im manly, 'cause im so handy even my feet are hands
I built a hobbit house for a homeless man without using any plans
My kids jungle gym is a full sized trampese
And I modified my garden hose to dispense nacho cheese!
Link:
Im handy too!
I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan into your bedroom
My right incisor's a phillips head screwdriver
I made my sundeck to a holodeck where I hang out with MacGyver!
Rhett:
My GPS gets its sense of direction from me
I can drive 10 hours without stopping to take a leak
I dont avert my eyes when I pass roadkill
And I teach an online course in paralel parking skills!
Link:
When my car breaks down I dont call a mechanic
I just open the hood and then I stare at it
And then I call a mechanic, but I wont be cheated!
He's not gonna talk me into repairs I didnt know i needed!
Rhett:
I can sleep alone in the woods without a tent
I might get a little scared but then I get over it
I tie knots the eagle scouts have never even heard of
Like the double over hand figure eight fishermans bird glove
Link:
Well I got the know how to properly grill every part fo a cow
and when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out
Ill break your face on a plate if you want it well done
And your wife is always asking ME to toast her buns
Rhett:
Im too much man for a manecure!
Link:
I dont even have cuticles
Rhett:
For the sake of convinience i keep a urinal in my cubicle!
Link:
I cna barefoot ski!
Rhett:
I smell the fear of bees!
Link:
I threw up the one time that I watched Glee!
Rhett:
I am my own boss
Link:
My middle name is Hoss!
Rhett:
I dont even know what it feels like to have my legs crossed!
Link:
I dont remove pizza toppings!
Rhett:
Ive never been shopping!
Link:
I can tell the age of a mountain goat just by sniffing its droppings!