Coming Out Wrong

Lord, have mercy
Christ, have mercy
When I was nineteen, I wrote a song - a work of fiction
A childish fantasy I hoped would make a person listen
First person narrative, I used a certain diction to play a role, and also engage in circumscription
Everyone that heard the lisp since seventh grade dances asked the same question
I never gave 'em straight answers, 'cause I didn't think I liked boys, 'cause boys called me a fag so much it blended into white noise
Somehow they sensed I wasn't measuring up
Turns out they didn't have to ask me what my preference was
Nothing I could say was ever enough to ward them off me; now I got a war that haunts me, like a veteran does
Yeah, I guess “it gets better” and stuff - I mean, you learn to conform, crush eccentricities, return to the norm
Sure, as sure as you're born, certain forms are forced into the light
That's when you give them the performance of your life
You're not different, you're just another victim
You'll never fit in with other children
If you can hold on a little bit more
You'll get to see the reasons they were hitting us for
Lord, have mercy
Christ, have mercy
When I was fourteen, I didn't want to be male
Couldn't tell my best friend that little odd detail
Self preservation prevailed, I kept my feelings private
Everyone believed the lie that I presented, even I did
Never felt I was a girl, I could only wish I was, and feel ashamed about my fat body and homeliness
Ironically, I didn't know that that's how girls are supposed to feel in a culture that doesn't treat them as though they're even close to real!
I didn't know the deal, I was a boy with long hair
I shut the door on that and acted like I'd never gone there
That's privilege. I retreated to a safe distance and stayed hidden - it was easy to not face difference
I'm fairly positive this is all coming out wrong?
I'm not closeted, but this is a coming out song, so if this topic ever gives you trouble, just remember:
You're not the only one who struggles with gender.
You're not different, we're all doing our best to deal
Trying to find our zest or zeal, and dying for our sex appeal
If you can just hold on, believe me - you'll get to see that no one really finds it all that easy.
Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy on us.