Marigold

I am an idiot who posted in the wrong box.

[Edit: I can't seem to delete my mistake.]

I loved this song long before my grandmother passed but I 'found' this song shortly after she died.

Its a complex song about the emotional turmoil of losing a loved one. As a young atheist, you feel untouchable but when someone you love dies, it changes things. You reflect on religion. You wish you believed in an afterlife.

The first verse communicates the invincibility you feel when you are young. The second section is reflecting on all the memories you and only you hold with that person because that person is gone.

'Feed my soul' is a hunger for religion and a hunger for the return of the person you lost. "Force a smile..." The next section is conveying the loss of immortality. It is communicating that you wish you still believed in god because it would be easier if you did. Its conveying that you feel mortality's permanence and wish you could believe in an after life so you could see that person again. "Read my eyes..." The next section is about aging. You are tired from the loss you have experienced. You start considering your own death. You see wrinkles on your own face. You see the wrinkles that your loves ones have gained over time and it is a reminder of the inevitable loss you will have to face when their time comes. "Taking what's mine" You try to live for the now because you know that life is fleeting. 'And I'd rather starve than choke what's killing me down" You would rather experience the pain of missing this person over the pain that goes along with religion.

The pain you experienced from religion was so severe but you understand the desire to believe after the loss of a loved one.

You want to believe you will have forever to be with that person again but you know that isn't reality.

You consider the bullshit that is religion because they love that you are hurting because it means you are susceptible to their lies and their lies are so tempting and beautiful but they are bullshit.

You want to be left in your lack of belief. You can call the hurt a penance but you still say 'fuck that' to religion because you don't regret your decision to leave the church.

In various cultures there are beliefs that what you are buried in will be what you wear in the afterlife. Some cultures believe that you should be dressed formally so you present well when meeting god.

'She will stay dressed in choices that I made' is to say "I don't know what is right. I hope I didn't make mistakes in how I honored her. I felt confident in my decision but I have doubt because I don't know what the afterlife holds and I could have burdened the person I love with my decision." "Don't touch me' You don't want to be comforted. You want to deal with this alone because you don't want to be swayed into thinking a certain way. You want to just face your doubts.

The last section looks at the symbolism of the Marigold. It is a flower sometimes associated with death and the afterlife but also associated with joy, resilience, and creativity.

'With these hands, I could change the world' You consider the hands you could use to choke the world and you realize that they have potential. Potential is something you can't buy and something that you lose when you die. In mourning you sometimes wonder 'why them and not me' because you feel they deserve life more than you do.

You reflect on what life holds for you still. You realize that you are actually lucky to have time to live left. You have something that the person you are mourning doesn't have. You realize that they would be upset if you threw that away. You realize that you can't take your potential with you in the afterlife. You can't take anything in the afterlife because even if there is an afterlife it doesn't impact this world in any substantial way.

In the end you have hope for a better world and hope for yourself.