The Day I Ruined My Life

There are so many ways to say it I'll give honesty a chance.
I do remember this day. This particular day when I made this choice. It's so clear in my head that it almost erases almost all my memories left. This choice, no doubt I'll make it once more. Sometimes, you may follow your guts, the pulse/beat of your heart craving for blood. But you know it, don’t you?
I cared for myself. Not because I had to but because it's what define me as a human being.
I've made up so much stories about this moment that I could write books with it. Million pages of lies.
But I do remember this day.
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I've never wanted to live like this
Die like this, think live this
Neither did I want to tell you these kind of pure non-sense.
I've always hoped of a better way to experience happiness
This is the end, I can feel it so close
It's like a relief after what I've done
To you, to us, to everybody who was too stupid to believe I could ever reach salvation.
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What if I rise and break the cycle
Will I find my way home again.
What if I stopped avoiding my reflection
Will I picture myself in a shiny armor.
What if I stood against the vulture
Will I sleep in the undergrowth.
What if I climbed to the nearest hill
Will I build an open nest for my kind.
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Years of hiding are over.
Days of running are over.
Years of lying are over.
Days of begging are over.
Today I surrender.