The Only Straight Man In America Who Doesn't Watch the Super Bowl

Gallup called me up today And according to their poll I’m the only straight man in America Who doesn’t watch the Super Bowl If you want to be friendless And exile is your goal Then be the only straight man in America Who doesn’t watch the Super Bowl I feel like an alien The weekend of the game “Why talk so much of little ball? Please to me explain” The virtues of this contest They in vain try to extol To the only straight man in America Who doesn’t watch the Super Bowl “I watched it for the ads” they say If they feel a bit of shame But I have had no trouble Getting ads without a game “I watched it for the halftime show” Is just one more excuse Like saying that you read Playboy Just for the interviews My men friends (if I had any) Say I’m just half a man To not join their testosterone and beer-consuming clan And I endure their manly wrath And noogies on the head When I say I’d rather watch The Puppy Bowl instead (bark) At best they say I’m wimpy At worst they say I’m queer Yet they like watching beefy guys Pat each other on the rear They DVR the game Review rewind and pause it If that’s the kind of porn they like Better come out of the closet My house is bugged, my phones are tapped for my subversive sin The Feds are at the door now and the SWAT team’s closing in They’ll take me out to Gitmo Without hope of parole... For being the only straight man in America Who doesn’t watch the Super Bowl There’ll be a new circle of hell To torment the mortal soul Of the only straight man in America who doesn’t watch the super bowl.