Steve the Pirate

When I was a young man I set out to sea
A swashbuckling pirate, I aspired to be
I was bold, I was eager, I was stalwart and stout
But we’d no sooner put out from port than I threw my back out
Oh, the first mate he offered assistance to me
Though no chiropractor he turned out to be
On that ship I could find no relief for my back
‘Cause it turned out nobody the Advil remembered to pack
Singin’ yo ho, maybe I was mistaken
This is a voyage I shouldn’t a’taken
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone as chronically fragile as me
On the second day out, my misfortune did grow
Cause I suffered from nausea and vertigo
I sustained several bruises, I lost a gold crown
And the vittles and grog that they served just refused to stay down
Oh I suffered all manner of infirmity
From migraines to hemorrhoids to ADHD
I was bloated and moody, my skin was a mess
If I didn’t know better I’d swear that I had PMS
Singin’ yo ho, a professional sailor
Would sooner be keelhauled than use an inhaler
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who’s quite as neurotically, totally,
hopelessly, chronically fragile as me
I could not rape and pillage along with the crew
So, the captain he gave me some filing to do
But it did not take long before I did succumb
To a really bad case of ye olde carpel tunnel syndrome
By the end of the week all me mateys could tell
My career as a pirate wasn’t going that well
Seems the crew took a vote when I wasn’t around
And decided nobody would miss me too much if I drowned
Singin’ yo ho, two hundred demerits
If the captain finds out I’m allergic to parrots
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who’s quite as pathetically, latent
obsessive, compulsive, neurotically, totally, hopelessly,
chronically fragile as me
I escaped just in time, I am pleased to report
Though my plank-walking fate I did barely abort
I washed out as a pirate upon the high seas
So now I confine all my pirating to MP3s
Singin’ yo ho, I got such a floggin’
When Taylor Swift I was caught catalogin’
Apparently, a life on the sea
Is no place for someone who’s quite as consistently, brutally,
desperately, clinically, utterly, truly pathetically, latent obsessive
compulsive neurotically, totally, hopelessly, chronically fragile
as me