The Rub

I used to know a man named Burt
When I was but a lad
He was an old acquaintance
Of my mom and my dad
I don't think that I met him
More than just once
But I still recall him well
I'm no goddamned dunce
And you would not believe
What it was that he had done
He blew his own fucking guts out
With his own fucking gun
Yeah, my folks, they were shocked
As you could imagine
When they heard about old Burt
And I said to myself
I said "ouch, that's gotta hurt!"
It happened in the driveway
Right next to Burt's Cadillac
The shot entered through his belly
And it went out through his back
Make no mistakes
No ifs, ands, or buts
All over the brand new asphalt
Were Burt's fucking guts
Burt's bitch stood screaming
As Burt ate the dirt
And I said to myself
"Holy fuck that's gotta hurt!"
But you know what's funny
About Burt's awesome life?
Is that he was getting his gun out
So that he could kill his wife
And there he lay bleeding
His head next to a hub
And all I can say to myself is
"therein lies the rub"
I like coffee, it likes me
I'd like to have some Maxwell House coffee
What do you call this cup of shit coffee?
I'd rather drink from the dick of a goat
I tell you motherfucker that's all she wrote
I like coffee, it likes me
A cuppa cuppa cuppa cuppa coffee
And Maxwell House is the best coffee
I like coffee and it likes me
Cuppa cuppa cuppa cuppa coffee