Somebody That I Used To Know

This is my interpretation. I hope that it has value beyond a simple song interpretation:

Two people meet and start a romantic relationship....

They have a lot of good times and grow close, but eventually he concludes that she is not going to be the one for him. He now knows that the relationship will eventually come to an end. But (and this is very important) he does not tell her that.

Instead, in the tried and true tradition of young males everywhere, he just starts to withdraw, holding back emotionally. He will wait for her to give up and end the relationship for both of them. This is not admirable, but it does not mean that he is a bad person. Instead of being the direct cause of confrontation and hurt to her (he does care about her after all), he’ll let the thing die on the vine…as he has done in the past. (Resolution to the end, always the end).

Inevitably, she senses that he is pulling away and her response is to rush to save the relationship. She is nicer, and more attentive to him (this includes their time in bed).

And for a while it seems to work. He likes the attention (especially in bed–but hey, he thinks, she is still his girlfriend after all…they haven’t broken up yet). The result is that they do, temporarily, grow closer together. From time to time he might even question his earlier doubts. But, eventually, the things which he did not like about her before return. He begins to pull away again.

The cycle continues. She continues to work on the relationship. All along she questions herself, wondering if she is doing something wrong. She also questions him over and over (which does not endear her to him). It’s not hard to imagine the conversations:

Her: “Is something wrong?”
Him: “Huh? No.”

Her: “What’s wrong?”
Him: “Nothing.”
Her: “You sure?”
Him: “Yep.”

His moods are inconsistent …sometimes he is warm (especially when he is thinking about their bed), sometimes he is cool, even harsh. It is all very confusing and hurtful to her.

But…she has already invested a lot of time…and she still has feelings for him…and sometimes he seems to have feelings for her…so she continues to try. She is forever analyzing and reviewing everything that he does and says in her mind, over and over, looking for clues. Trying to figure it out…. (Reading into every word you say…)

Eventually she becomes exhausted, and starts to think about giving up. It seems like she is the only one who cares about continuing with the relationship. She loses heart, and with it her desire to try to please him. As soon as she stops being nice to him the deterioration process quickens. The end is close.

Finally she decides that she has to end it. It was a hard decision for her. It was emotional. It was difficult. She cried over and over, and she lost sleep. She did some final soul-searching. Her friends gave her their heartfelt, carefully considered recommendations (even though they were really tired of the whole thing). But in the end she must move on, and she knows it. There is no future in this relationship.

So she prepares, and she finally gives him “the talk.” She says I hope that we can still be friends, and she means it. This will, she thinks, soften the blow for him. After all, she knows how hard all of this has been for her…

But he doesn’t react correctly. He doesn’t argue with her. He doesn’t beg for to stay (not that she really thought that he would). He doesn’t fight for her, or their relationship, or what they had together, at all. If anything, he seems to be…RELIEVED?!? What the devil??? She goes home confused. It wasn’t what she was expecting.

Then, finally, she understands. She gets it. It was him all along. He never really loved her! (not necessarily true) He never even cared about her! (definitely not true) He just used her and led her on (she has a point there). He wasn’t the person that she thought that he was, and the realization hits her hard.

In time, with the benefit of emotional distance and hindsight, her view of him might soften substantially. But right now she is very hurt and very angry. She sends her friends to collect her things (records). She changes her number to send a message to him. She cuts him out of her life and her circle of friends and acquaintances completely.

Now he is hurt and angry. It’s too much. It’s over the top. And…it hurts his pride. Righteous indignation wells within him (remember, he doesn’t know that she knows what he did). In his mind he did nothing wrong…isn’t she the one who broke up with him? And didn’t she just tell him that they could stay friends? More importantly (if she’s going to be that way about it) he wasn’t even really into her (he only says this to himself).

Although many would disagree, the truth is that there isn’t a villain here. Sure, he should have been braver and more honest with her early on…but he wasn’t staying with her to hurt her…actually just the opposite. He is probably an average young guy in that way.

For her part, she really didn’t have to change her number, it’s not like he was a stalker, or go out of her way to hurt him. She reacted out of hurt. It is understandable, and it doesn’t make her a bad person either.

As far as the part in the song where she accuses him of not letting a past relationship go…I think it’s fair to assume that the writers were exercising some creative license (and I applaud them for it). They needed to return the song to the chorus after the “girl part,” and having her use words similar to his tied it all up neatly and introduced additional ambiguity, and depth, to the lyrics.

It just seems doubtful that the guy in the song was hung up on a past love during the relationship. He doesn’t mention that, and the lyrics could actually support a conclusion that he always stayed in relationships too long (remember: Resolution to the end, always the end).

Regardless, it is an excellent song and I like it.