I Want to Be Well

Epic, epic, epic. Anyone lamenting the death of the "old Sufjan", shame on you.

I really think, based on this song and many of his others, that he's not battling a mental illness, but I chronic physical illness. Really, and while there is nothing to support this other than a few vague lyrics and his recent pronouncement of having a bout of illness and that he didn't want to "go into the gory details", I believe he has some form of auto-immune disease, maybe IBD or Crohn's Disease.

I myself have Crohn's and I see so many things I identify with in this song - there is an element of shock and surprise in this... Shock at being sick like it took him off guard. People with terminal illness at the stage of staring at death are more resigned. People with IBD or auto-immune disorders are often taken off guard by a "flare" as they come on suddenly and without much warning. Also, when he says "Illness is watching, waiting its turn" it seems very common of how someone with a chronic (not terminal) illness feels. Like you are always and will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. You'll never escape the possibility of being sick, never be cured.

He then says "To think that it was my fault" and then goes on to discuss the ordinary and extraordinary... I think this all the time (as you can tell, this is a very personal song for me!) having Crohn's, which is most likely based on some sort of environmental cause. I find myself thinking I've done something to bring this on. And then I get angry, because I've done nothing my husband or friends haven't done (ordinary things - eating improperly, taking prescribed medicines, smoking etc) yet it had very different and extraordinary consequences for me (autoimmune illness). I now cannot do a lot of ordinary things without causing myself extraordinary harm. “So do yourself a good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes” — this is basically my life’s motto now as I turn down foods I used to love or head to bed early because I know I’ll suffer if I don’t..

“Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely When it bites, oh, I would rather be dead, I would rather give up.”

This lyric cinches the deal for me — these are not the thoughts of someone with a terminal or curable illness. They are from a person who, again, is always waiting to be struck down (IBD is exacerbated by stress, so maybe his loneliness and anxiety are causing a flare or similar). And to say he’d rather give up is a really common theme when you’re very ill with a chronic disease... you’ll most likely live (though we do stare death in the face more than most), but you’ll live to get well and then, most likely, get sick again. It’s an extremely difficult realization to know your entire life will probably be categorized into “well” and “sick” times. And there really is no escaping that very vicious realization.

He also speaks of “burning from within” which is definitely how I feel during a flare. Everything burns and I often describe it that way. This could be very literal interpretation of his physical feelings.

“With the pill or demon as my body changes Apparitions gone awry “

Here he could be referring to the treatment those with auto-immune disease need — steroids... the biggest blessing and curse in medical treatments. Steroids literally change the way you look. Completely. When I look back on images of myself from times on steroids, I’m unrecognizable. They can also cause paranoia, panic attacks, increased anxiety, weight gain and more. For me, one little pill (that does help tremendously) is a demon.

And the infamous “not fucking around” line (which, by the way, is I think why he may not be playing this song live on his newest tour... or it could be just too personal for him to perform)... Nothing drops you to your knees and makes you lose your cool like an illness like these. Whether it’s IBD or another hellish auto-immune disorder, he could have just snapped under the pressure of the disease. He’s not fucking around, he does want to be well, but that’s obviously way out of his control now. This section of the song cuts right to the bone for me... I understand the desperation, the anger, and the lack of control. I think he used f-word artfully here. We know it’s not his norm, so it has pretty significant meaning. He obviously feels pushed to the edge and cannot express how desperate he is to be better. When we devolve into our most primal emotions, we may not be at our most articulate. He uses that line on purpose. And it really works. And I think it’s completely appropriate despite his religious views.

And to comment on another theory — that he is mentally ill. I agree that the lyrics could parallel mental illness very well, but I can’t buy that he is actually schizophrenic, bipolar or similar, just because of his obvious control over his art, his lack of completely erratic behavior, his breadth of musical accomplishment, and his ability to stay on stage and in control for 2+ hours (amazing show in Richmond, VA last night, btw!). Even a very well medicated person with a severe psychiatric disorder couldn’t make these things happen. That’s not say he’s not battling depression, anxiety or mood issues, but again, these are all really common things for people with chronic illness. Especially for someone like Sufjan (or myself) who has this burning desire to accomplish and do so much, yet feels so held back by their disease.

I'm thinking Sufjan's illness is mental illness.

We know Sufjan hears voices (Seven Swans), has insomnia, fights depression, and has a mom who was schizophrenic.

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

...

Endless lights prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely Weightless lights, oh, I would rather be, but I would rather be fine

...

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

...

Apparitions gone awry They surround me, all sides

And now he's obsessed with a schizophrenic artist who paints his visions?

Longer version on my site:

http://bit.ly/c5B9Wk

I love it - Sufjan's not fucking around this time! Half of the song is plaintive, begging for some sort of relief, the other half is determined, chaotic, ready to take on the world. Long live the new incarnation of Sufjan!

Sounds to me like "I would rather be dead, I would rather give up", not "be fucked".

Great song by the way. My favorite off the album I think.

Great job on transcribing the lyrics, strykerchick! There are some parts of that song that are really hard to understand. I have tried my best to transcribe the song as well, building upon the foundation you provided. Most of it is the same. I have italicized the differences from your version. I'm interested to see what you think.

To think that I would die this time Isolated in the room where the bed rises Photographic ordinary people are everywhere Extraordinary histories, ordinary histories, ordinary histories

I'll find sleep, I'll find peace, or in death you'll sleep with me.

To figure that it was my fault Or so I've come to realize life is not about <i>Left for</i> someone - (ordinary people are everywhere) Extraordinary people are, ordinary people are, ordinary people are

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

Did I go at it wrong? Did I go intentionally to destroy me? I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in - (touching ordinary body) The burning from within the burning from with - (ordinary <i>hysteria</i>) I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace - (extraordinary <i>hysteria</i>)

So do yourself <i>some</i> good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes Or do yourself a favor, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes

<i>Illness likes to</i> prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely <i>Wave goodbyes</i>, oh, I would rather be dead I would rather be <i>f***ed</i>

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

And I forgive you even As you choke me that way With the pill or demon and the <i>traditional(?)</i> Under conversation In tremendous weight of A crowd of ages all <i>side(s)</i> <i>dress for mourner</i>

I'm not fing around I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fing around

And shall I kiss you even as you take me that way? With the pill or demon as my body changes Apparitions gone awry They surround me, all sides <i>But from within I see in unholy changes</i>

I'm not fing around I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fing around

or perhaps instead of "traditional," it says "shroud Ishmael." That would be an interesting lyric. It's really hard to hear that one.

A crowd of ages outside. Dressed for murder.

Some doctor told him the illness was all in his head, and this was his reaction.

the real lyrics:

To think that I would die this time Isolated in the room where the bed rises Photographic ordinary people are everywhere Extraordinary histories, ordinary histories, ordinary histories

I'll find sleep, I'll find peace, or in death you'll sleep with me.

To figure that it was my fault Or so I've come to realize life is not about Love with someone - (ordinary people are everywhere) Extraordinary people are, ordinary people are, ordinary people are

Everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, illness is watching, waiting its turn.

Did I go at it wrong? Did I go intentionally to destroy me? I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in - (touching ordinary body) The burning from within the burning from with - (ordinary is scary now) I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace - (extraordinary is scary now)

So do yourself a good, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes Or do yourself a favor, or do yourself a death from ordinary causes

Illness likes to prey upon the lonely, prey upon the lonely When it bites, oh, I would rather be dead, I would rather give up.

I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well, I want to be well.

And I forgive you even As you choke me that way With the pill or demon and the shrouding Under conversation In tremendous weight of A crowd of ages outside Dressed for murder

I'm not fucking around I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around

And shall I kiss you even as you take me that way? With the pill or demon as my body changes Apparitions gone awry They surround me, all sides From what am I seeing, only changes

I'm not fucking around I'm not, I'm not, I'm not fucking around