Fun

there's a guy who liked me for about a year. i resisted liking him for the longest time because i knew he had commitment issues. but eventually i just gave in... i couldn't help it any more. by the time we got together, it was impossible to take things slow. he said all the right things to me, and i fell hard for him. but something inside me told me that what we had going wasn't sustainable; that he was going to bail. and that's what he did when summer came. i could tell that it tore him apart to hurt me, but that's what he did.

i heard from some of our mutual friends that he still wasn't over another girl from way back. when i found that out, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. i'd never made myself that vulnerable before. it's been about 5 weeks and even though i've made great strides, my wounds still haven't healed. i'm dreading the day i see him when i return to school in august. not only will i have to see him, but i will potentially have to see him with another girl, who i just so happen to know is a great person. and i'll have to grin and bear it.

one way i've been dealing with my pain is becoming absorbed in music. i've listened to a million breakup songs, but none quite describe the way i feel like this one. people ALWAYS ask about him, and i'll probably be hounded about what happened come august. when i sleep i can't help but think about him being with someone else. i'm not angry at him... i truly do just hope he's happy now. but it does hurt like hell.

one of the main reasons he said he wanted to "shelf" us being together over the summer was that he easily got bored with girls, and he didn't want to do that with me. so i really do keep asking myself "didn't we have fun?" even though this experience has been so painful, i'm grateful for it and truly don't want to forget this first love of mine.

so thank you, chris martin and natalie imbruglia, for putting my emotions to words and making me feel less alone.