The World's Biggest

Stood here minding my own business
Good company and a quality pint of Guinness
When suddenly here comes a stranger
With an opinion or two
He does not understand the danger
Of the proverbial ice that he sways on
But effortlessly he encapsulates all that's annoying
I'm talking to a titanic dick
Oh, how I'd love to kick
Into a song that would make him sick
A chorus that could fool him into thinking this song's about no-one in particular
But it is
I hope he's not here 'cause he's a dick
A self-obsessed, non-fictitious dick
So about the time I bumped into him at the bar
He rudely discussed my family and blah blah blah
He told me I should get a real job
I wondered what that was
(Nine to five until you die)
I also pondered what on earth his name was
I recognised his sly, bulbous features
I asked the drunken preacher his name quick
While sipping on my hard-earned drink
And he revealed he was a complete and utter dick
It sounds harsh but he was a dick
The world's biggest royal dick
I feel sorry for his missus
It probably pisses her off that she kisses that thing daily
Can't emphasise enough the guy is an absolute dick
Like a magician without the magic tricks
The third verse won't try to be cryptic
No metaphors or quaint hieroglyphics
That way I may just accentuate
How much you're not my mate
But I guess it'll just have to wait
'Cause I can't find the words
Like the dodos couldn't find the rest of the birds
I know that this sounds absurd
But rest assured you will not be leaving empty-handed
Now here's your award
Congratulations, you're the world's biggest
Congratulations, you're the world's biggest
Congratulations, you're the world's biggest
Congratulations, you're the world's biggest dick