(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

[Velma]
Front step, cha cha cha
Back step, cha cha cha
Side step, front step
Back and turn
[Tracy]
Oh my God, Penny, there's Link!
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning.
[Penny]
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!
[Velma]
Front step, cha cha cha
Back step, cha cha cha
Side step, front step
Back and...
Oh Amber, look at this motley crew!
This town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned.
[Amber]
Oh, Mother, not more ancient history.
[Velma]
Oh my God
How times have changed
These girls must be blind or
Completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Amber! That move is far too dirty.
[Amber]
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours.
This isn't 1930!
[Velma]
You can laugh, but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Remember, Mother knows best
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
[Amber]
These steps are perfect ammunition
[Velma]
Let me show you how your mommy dear
Took out the competition
Girls, go get em!
Boys, let's rhumba!
2-3-4-5-6-7
Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin
In their dance
Not a chance!
Boys, put me down.
Oh, good morning ladies.
Let's see what you've got.
[Council Girls]
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, Mambo.
[Velma]
Ready? Begin.
On my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bump and grind
[Amber]
What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
[Velma]
You should have seen my bag of tricks!
Oh, I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting Aida
And preparing soufflés
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs.
Proceed...
[Tammy]
Are you scared we're on live?
[Tracy]
No, I'm sure I can cope!
[Amber]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in...
[Council Girls]
Cinemascope!
[Velma]
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
[Amber]
This one will never get a date
In those hand-me-down clothes
[Velma]
Kid, she'll never get a date
'Til daddy buys her a new nose
I would say 'oy gevalt'
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs!
[Amber]
Do you dance like you dress?
[Link]
Amber, there's no need to be cruel!
[Velma]
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
[Tracy]
I sure would.
I'm all for integration.
It's the new frontier!
[Velma]
Not in Baltimore it isn't.
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear so short and stout
You'll never be in
[Velma & Council Kids]
So we're kicking you out!
[Velma]
With your form and your face
Oh, it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of
Miss Baltimore Crabs!
[Velma]
You may go.
[Tracy]
Um .. thank you?
[Penny]
I think they secretly liked you.
[Little Inez]
Hello ma'am, may I please audition?
[Velma]
Of course not.
But you can bow and exalt!
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Crabs, crabs, crabs!