No Booty Calls

KELLY: Hello?
GUY: Hey it’s your ex.
KELLY: It’s one in the morning,
What the hell do you want?
GUY: Baby I’m horny.
KELLY: Oh, so what are you saying,
You want to get together?
GUY: I want you to come over all dressed up in leather
Like you used to do
KELLY: Back in ‘02
GUY: You give me nice dreams,
Make me want to scream ooh, ooh, ooh!
KELLY: That’s not happening again, that was back then
and now i’m interested in bigger and better men
No booty calls!
Deck!
No booty calls!
Deck!
That’s not happening!
GUY: Aw, Kelly, I still got it goin' on
I know you’re hot to trot, and I’m warm for your form
KELLY: Wow, with cliches like that I’m really torn
Your game is played, go back to your porn
GUY: You start me up, you make a dead man come
KELLY: Then you can just drop dead,
'Cause you ain’t gettin' some
GUY: What happened to the freak who used to rock my world?
KELLY: Well, the freak’s still here, but she’s not your girl!
You broke up with me.
GUY: I made a mistake!
KELLY: So why don’t you just ask me out on a date?
GUY: Uh, cuz, uh.. tonight’s fate!
KELLY: Please!
No booty calls!
Deck!
No booty calls!
That’s not happening!
GUY: Remember when I hit it in the parking lot
KELLY: Outside of IHOP?
GUY: Yeah, that was SO hot!
KELLY: Thank you, I’m flattered, but it doesn’t matter
I remember that you threw up in the pancake batter
You’ve got a problem, you’re drunk all the time
Are even you sure that this phone number’s mine?
GUY: Uhhh…yeah, I…wait, what?
KELLY: If that confused you, I’m gonna have to lose you
Go back to first grade and get yourself a Blue’s clue!
I don’t even know whatever made me choose you!
GUY: Cuz we’re good together.
KELLY: But I can do better!
GUY: But one makes you wetter.
KELLY: Buddy, you’re like cheddar
CHEESY! (White cheddar)
GUY: You know I moved out my mom's,
Now I got my own crib
KELLY: That’s funny, that’s just where you belong, in a crib.
GUY: You sayin I’m your baby?
KELLY: I’m sayin you’re *a* baby.
GUY: I’m not hearin yes or no, I’m hearin maybe
KELLY: Well get your hearing checked cuz you can’t play me
GUY: If I’m a player, hate the game, don’t hate me!
KELLY: That’s not how that phrase goes.
GUY: I know, but you just turn me on, baby,
From my head to my toes.
KELLY: Jesus Christ, could you at least be original?
If game was the truth then yours would be fictional!
GUY: Baby, I got style and I got class.
KELLY: I got a brand new boot for your assNo booty calls!
Deck!
Aw come on baby!
NO! No booty calls!
That’s not happening!
GUY: Hey Kelly from the block
I don’t just talk the talk
I walk the walk and I know you like my c--
KELLY: Hey, Johnny come lately,
Don’t discombobulate me
If you want some of this you have to properly date me!
GUY: You mean wine and dine? That’s a waste of time.
I can spend five dollars and STILL get mine.
KELLY: Since that’s probably all you have, let me buy you a hint
How’s this: go stuff your peehole with a junior mint
GUY: Baby all I want to do is make you sweat
Let me be Romeo to your Juliet
KELLY: OK, drink some poison and I’ll stab myself
You’d know that story if you ever took a book off a shelf
GUY: I don’t need no book!
KELLY: Double negative, so you do!
GUY: My dick’s hard, look!
KELLY: That’s pejorative, so rude!
GUY: I don’t understand all these big words you use
I don’t need big words cuz I got big shoes
KELLY: Verbally you’re a moron,
Sexually you’re a cling on
I’m more mature now,
I need a mental turn on
GUY: Baby I got brains, in my underwear,
My dick equals mc squared! BOOM!
KELLY: You need to go back to physics class
The only brain in your pants is your head up your ass
Check that, you know, you could be right
'Cause you do come faster than the speed of light
GUY: You must admit I got a load like a stallion
And I skeet, skeet on with my creamy italian
KELLY: Ew! what am I to you, a salad bar?
You like to skeet so much, I need a deck sneeze guard!
GUY: You want some tonight?
KELLY: I want some never!
GUY: That’s not what you said back when we were together
KELLY: Well that’s not happening again, that was back then
And now I’m interested in smarter, *employed* men!
No booty calls!
Deck!
No booty calls!
That’s not happening!
No booty calls, deck, sorry.
GUY: Oh, come on, baby, you know I treat you right!
KELLY: No, don’t interrupt me, no booty calls, OK?
GUY: Oh, we back on that again!
KELLY: Yeah, we are, because I don’t want one!
GUY: Don’t you want to check out my new stereo?
KELLY: I don’t think so!
GUY: I know you’ll like it.
KELLY: Whatever!
GUY: Come on, baby, come over!
KELLY: No, this phone conversation is over!
*CLICK*
KELLY: Deck!