Four Walls

I'm just gonna ramble about how this song makes me feel... "Bumping into these dead machines" is such a cool line. Makes me think about botoxed-up, money-loving, frivolous, American dreamers. The first line of the chorus reminds me of when I don't really know where I'm going, just that I don't want to run into anyone, coz then I'd have to talk to them and pretend I'm normal and not experimentally depressed. She keeps talking about things like "lights which I seem to be missing" and "what you're supposed to see". Like the end of the chorus, you seem like you're supposed to know what you're doing, but you really don't. Makes me wonder if anyone really knows what they're doing, or if it's just hard for me to feel confident. I remember back when I was really depressed I would sit in the classroom and try to hold my breath hoping I would kill myself by just stopping being. "And I don't think I'll think what you're thinking" makes me think about how lonely I sometimes feel when I'm hit with the realization that almost everybody in the world has different opinions than me. I'm just the kind of person who doesn't agree with mainstream too often. I think it's just cosmic irony, and it's a cool perspective to have, but you start wishing somebody could really understand you or you could really understand why others think the way they do. When life seems to me like a "wading pool", everyone's goals and desires, particularly capitalist ones, seem so childish and stupid. As for me, life is a waiting room, and I'm waiting for my dreams and motivation to come, so I'm not contributing to society; I'm bringing it down. In the part where she says "Say it again", she expects rejection. In reflecting on my ways, I've started thinking maybe the way I work is that I only actively interact when I am reasonably sure that I won't be rejected. Thus, I have not talked with the woman I have loved for almost five years now because I am almost sure she would say she has no need of me.

But I like to think that true love exists in spite of a lack of need...