| Ben Folds – Still Fighting It Lyrics | 15 years ago |
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I was just listening to this song the other day, and I finally got it. When I first heard it years ago I thought it was abstract and strange, and somehow sung from the POV of someone working the opening shift at a McDonalds or other fast foot establishment, (brown polyester shirt, greeting the sun, Coke/fries/roast beef). Then it hit me. Hard. I grew up (and still live with) a neurological learning disability that slows down auditory processing speeds, limits working memory, hinders motovation, and causes the brain's "reward system" to not fully develop or operate. (Not to mention feeling like an alien no matter where you go and can't seem to relate to or understand why people act like or seek after the things they do). I barely graduated from High School, and couldn't make it through college. I have a good job, but I've reached as far as my learning difficulties will let me no, and it feels like it's just a matter of time before they find out how messed up I am and give me the boot. Just about all the major milestones in my life have fallen flat because it was very difficult to study, learn, or perform up to my "potential". Every day is a constant struggle against my brain's limited ability to function in a normal fashion and fight against the misconceptions about people with learning problems in the work place. My son is now 5. I love him with my whole heart. Every time he runs around the house like a crazy fool, swinging on anything that he can get his hands on, and pacing in a circle for hours at a time talking non-stop about stories he makes up in his head involving toys / tools / gadgets makes me remember what it was like to be me growing up. I remember clearly doing the same things and how "normal" and calming it felt to act crazy and obsess about new things. He is already having problems in school. I remember the pain of ridicule and failure growing up, not being able to clearly fit into any niche in this world around me, and always feeling alone even in my own house. Seeing success and joy and knowing that I will never be able to experience nothing more than fleeting flashes of emotion betwixt drawn out periods of yearning for normalcy. ... "I knew you'd feel the same things" ... "And you're so much like me - I'm sorry" It is so bitter-sweet and poignant. I love him so much and I want him have what I never did, but not knowing if it's even possible since I've been unable to find it myself after all these years of searching for answers and solutions. It breaks my heart to think of him even having to go through a portion of the pain and suffering that I went through, and am still dealing with. There may not be a lot I can do to change the way his brain works, but I am going to give everything I have to make sure it doesn't crush him too. I'm still fighting it, but now I guess it isn't just me fighting anymore. _We_ are learning how to fight it together. I love this song. |
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