| Linkin Park – Crawling Lyrics | 1 year ago |
| Thank you for saying that. You’re absolutely correct. Everybody can apply in the way it fits for them. | |
| Linkin Park – Crawling Lyrics | 1 year ago |
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@[miamipcguy:50003] Controlling - Like the paragraph before it gets me to do something bad or feel bad about myself for doing something stupid or it’s setting me up to do something stupid. And it can take the smallest trigger that I forget about, but it’s planted a seed and it’s growing and then in several hours it leads to isolation, then deep depression, then to how the hell did I get here again and why am I such a piece of crap!? And then it has me by the neck at that point and can take me down easily by someone offering me something such as a substance, alcohol or even sex and by this point, I probably won’t say no, and then, right afterwards I realize what I did was wrong again and I have come full circle for the millionth time. I can't seem To find myself again - I don’t resemble myself at all, my character , my behaviors, even looking in the mirror I don’t see me, I don’t know who this person is or why he wants to destroy my life. And why he’s looking at me through my eyes, and why he hates me so much. And this can last anywhere from 24 hours to years or even decades. But I just went through one of these and I still haven’t quite found myself. I don’t know how I’m gonna get along. I don’t know why I did what I did, and I literally leveled my entire life. But now that I am coming back into the picture slowly and the regret it and the remorse hurts so bad that it could very easily take me back out again at this stage. so I must tread carefully lest I lose myself again. My walls are closing in - I feel hopeless, I have nowhere to go, everything is against me, my world is getting smaller and smaller, because I am lonely now from isolation and from hurting someone or several people so now it feels like I’m about to be crushed under all of the pressure. And I have no one to turn to because they all hate me or so I think they do and the shame keeps me isolated. Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take - Lack of confidence is where I live and putting myself in this position. I have no job, no place to live, no girlfriend anymore. And I’ve been through this many times before. But this time I’m much older, and I’m not bouncing back like I used to really really insecure And the pressure and the smashed ego that I have makes it hopeless and I’m gonna crack under all of this pressure.) I've felt this way before - ( I have felt this way so many thousands of times in my lifetime in this same cycle) So insecure - ( No confidence, nothing to my name, no light at the end of the tunnel so insecure. ) Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me - ( Like a warm blanket that I can feel from head to toe , never comfortable in my own skin and it’s completely covered me, every inch of my body and it’s been like that since as long as I can remember never feeling like a person among people, never feel like a friend amongst friends, or a worker amongst workers. I’m always in discomfort. I either crawl to the top of the pile or to the bottom. But my ego always takes me to the top and then I crash to the bottom. Disappointing everybody. And the cycle repeats.) Distracting, reacting - (Always pulling me away from where I am at that moment. Making me see the negative and making me act out at the slightest hint of someone or something doing something I don’t approve of so I snap either at them or I go and do something that’s destructive. I will do things that hurt me just to get back at someone else. I call it “I’ll show me” I react to everything instead of responding. And those reactions get me in trouble.) Several months ago is the first time I heard LINKIN PARK and really listened to them, and I immediately connected with Chester and this song and I started crying. Because it’s me without a doubt 100% me. And I’ve heard Chester talk about his dis-ease. And I cry because he’s talking about me. Like he said, he met plenty of people that thinks the way he does. It was on the iHeartRadio concert, where he made everybody uncomfortable by talking about his affliction. I hope this helps, but this is coming from a real place and me and I try to help people understand usually to no avail because if you don’t have it, you really can’t fully comprehend it. It seems like a control issue but it’s not. I mean I don’t have sex with every girl I can have sex with, I don’t physically attack people that are being mean to me so I have some control. It’s just with these other things, and sometimes we don’t even know we are going to do something. It just happens and then we realize it as we’re doing it and it’s too late. It’s scary. God bless all of you that don’t have these issues. and God bless those of you who do. Seek help before it becomes too ingrained so ingrained that you trick the people in the program and yourself into thinking you’re getting better and you’re not. How many times I’ve been in the program since 1986, and I’m still not able to do it. I was too young then, I was 16 and I had an attitude that those people were crazy and they have problems. I just like to drink and do cocaine and have sex those people with problems. Little did I know if I would’ve caught the program then everything would be great, we are amazing people. Everyone I have met like Chester or myself are good hearted intelligent, caring, people, even though our actions don’t show that, the reasons we abuse ourselves is because of the guilt for what we’ve done. Which started from what was done to us, it’s a vicious circle of hell. “This lack of control I fear is never ending.” CB 🙏🏻 |
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| Linkin Park – Crawling Lyrics | 1 year ago |
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@[miamipcguy:50002] Crawling in my skin - ( An uneasy feeling, the overwhelming urge to escape my thoughts, and to get away from myself..it literally feels like I want to jump out of my skin. My escape is substance or alcohol abuse. I totally know this feeling so deeply. And it is described perfectly here. Crawling in my skin. These wounds, they will not heal - (My past traumas and abuse from 2nd grade- 12th/“graduation”. Personally, I had so much abuse and no type of closure or healing. I’ve worked on it I don’t know what healing is supposed to feel like.) Fear is how I fall - My Lack of self-confidence, making me believe that scenarios are going on against me, and in reality it’s not happening. Accusing girlfriends of things that they weren’t doing because of my abandonment issues and lack of confidence, that’s an example of my fear, and how fear takes me down. Confusing what is real - Coming up with airtight scenarios about how something is playing out or working against me, the timing and reason for the scenario is perfect . Everything is so perfect that there’s no way it’s not real and in the end everything was just a perfectly laid out figment of my imagination.. I’ve lost several relationships over these issues because to me they seemed 100% plausible. There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface. - ( just right beneath the surface of my skin, the feeling of doom and gloom causes what feels like a tugging trying to steer me to do things that are not good for me, such as relapse, arguing about something stupid which will be destructive for me, but my subconscious does not care about the consequences, it craves self-medicating. Of course alcohol or substances are self-medicating, even arguing for someone like me can be self-medicating. It releases the feel good hormones in the brain, I instigate to start an argument, unknowingly and not even two minutes later I become very remorseful and apologetic. Because my brain gets flooded with something it wanted, something to make me feel good, the feel good chemicals that the brain produces. Something to make me NOT feel like me for just a minute. And it feeds on anything, like I said it makes me want to jump out of my own skin and since I can’t do that, I have to numb the pain. I have to feel something different. Doesn’t matter what it is I have to escape from me.) Consuming, confusing - Consuming because it’s all encompassing. Anything and everything and leads me to self destruction in one form or another. And it’s confusing because it seems perfectly innocent but most the time it’s not, and I have to check my motives on everything. ( it’s relentless, it’s always there, I actually believe it wakes up 20 minutes before I do to make sure of that when I wake up I know I’m a piece of crap and it has me primed to slip up in some way.) This lack of self control I fear is never ending - For me it’s even though I don’t want to use a substance or alcohol or argue it seems like I don’t have control over it a lot of the time and steers me where it wants me. I feel it leading me all the time and I catch it better now, but I still screw up so badly. It know my every weakness, and it feeds on my fears. My own mind working against me. And right after I get really deep into something I realize what I did was wrong. And guilt takes me further down the hole. I have to be super vigilant and watch it all the time because it can start out as something innocent like meeting a new girl and having a great night but in the end, it leads me to some fear which causes me to go down a bad road again. |
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| Linkin Park – Crawling Lyrics | 1 year ago |
| Several months ago is when I first listened accidentally to LINKIN PARK, I was in a deep depression, and it was this song. I had to listen to it again, because I started crying. And I knew whoever was singing It was singing it through pain because it was talking to my demons. After that, I sat in that bed for another six days without food just a depression, listening to LINKIN Park, and watching every show I could find that they performed. Learning more about Chester my life mirrors his. I am a little older, but my physical abuse was pretty much on the daily till I was 11 years old and was able to stab somebody to get away from them. Then it continued in beatings and in different ways. I left home at 17 to make my way. But the damage was done. And I’ve tried Alcoholics Anonymous/ NA, it works but there’s something inside of me that doesn’t want it to work. So I fight and it’s really difficult because Something inside of me just wants me dead but it will settle for the complete misery. My suicide attempt for the first time was at 12 years old then at 15 then 2020. And I live in a place in my head where I whisper bad things to myself all the time and I don’t even mean it. Call myself a piece of shit all day long, I say I am going to kill myself to myself all day long. It’s relentless and it’s been that way since I was 12. I was introduced to heavy drugs at 13 my first arrest was for alcohol at 13 second arrest was at 14 I had a gun and I was out trying to get drugs because they had cut me off from the drugs and I wanted them so badly. But that’s just a little bit of my life and this is what this song means to me and I’m pretty sure that’s what it meant to Chester as well because I’ve been in programs in and out for decades and this is how we feel. So it resonates with me and anyone who’s been in the program This would resonate with them. I say been in a program because until we are in a program for a while, we are blind to the demons. We just think the world hates us and it’s out to get us. But it’s us and there’s nothing worse than trying to fight an enemy that knows your every weakness and prays on your every fear. He knows how to trick me. They say it’s 100% fatal and they mean it. Because even sober my behaviors will still take me down with or without substances. So I have to be vigilant and be in meetings 2 to 3 times a day because I can do them online as well. I need to be growing spiritually always because if I don’t go forward I’m going backwards. I’m never standing still. My disease never rests so if I want to live any semblance of a decent life, I can’t rest on my laurels. Because I don’t have any, I am spiritually bankrupt. Yesterdays spiritual work will not save me today, it has to be today’s spiritual work. And by spiritual, I mean, helping others, doing the work, getting some of this stuff out with another person. Being with people like me because only they understand. You cannot explain this to a Normie. And I’m glad they don’t understand because there’s only one way to understand. Right now I’m in a deep rut where I’ve been thousands of times it seems. But as you get older, it gets scarier because I’m not bouncing back. My disease will kill me I know this, but I fight. And I don’t know how I made it this long. I lost everyone of my friends that were like me either to suicide or overdose. 2017 I lost seven friends, 2018 I got a break I only lost three, 2019 I lost 13 and 2020 the rest of them. Don’t get me wrong there’s still plenty in the program for me to meet, but it gets tiring. And I envy them because I can never seem to pull it off the times that I have they brought me back. And I came back so angry. They said I was throwing fists in the ambulance. It’s because I was in a peaceful place. I was at zero. My mind is never at zero. It’s always plotting or repeating negative thoughts that are intrusive, and I have no control over it. I just can’t act on them. Last time it was adrenaline to the heart, and I was so angry at them because I was gone. But I can’t change the past, but I am really trying hard to rewrite the ending. And this is what crawling means to me. I tried to send this before, but I lost it and it all deleted. And I got so aggravated. It took me this long, a month, to get the words back out again. And yes, I spiraled because of that, it doesn’t take much. Like I said, I hope this helps. | |
| Linkin Park – Crawling Lyrics | 1 year ago |
| @NuclearMike thank you for that comment. I love that. It’s unbelievably real. I tried to post what it means to me, but I don’t think it went through. I understand Chester Because my God our lives mirror each other. That’s why I connected with him like seven months ago through this song. It pulled me out of a depression and where I had plenty of drugs and I was trying to overdose. And this song hit me with an accidental click on my computer and wow! I hope he’s found peace because we can’t find peace here. It’s god awful. I’ve been living with it for decades , I don’t know how I’ve made it this long. I got so envious each time one of my friends die because I’ve lost all of my friends that had this affliction. It all starts with abuse, and just escalates and survival mode kicks in. It’s all we know. | |
| Linkin Park – Crawling Lyrics | 1 year ago |
| @ShadowKnight yes this song can hit a nerve in so many different ways. But I understand yours completely. I love this song. I am a new fan of Lincoln Park because of Chester and this song. And I’m sorry you went through that, I went through it as well. The first 11 years was sexual abuse violently until I could stab somebody, and then the beatings came from my father as well. I would wake up to him, punching me in the face. I’m 54 and it feels like yesterday because I’m still living in those memories somewhere inside my head. “Where the pain is all I know”. like Chester says. | |
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