| Regina Spektor – One More Time with Feeling Lyrics | 16 years ago |
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I just heard this song for the first time, and the images blew me away. To me, it speaks to exactly how I felt when my best friend/lover tried to kill herself. She has severe bipolar, and because of that she feels as though she is always playing a part. She is never happy. She never truly wants to be alive, but she puts on a face and pretends. The image of the scars healing all wrong..like the giant purple scar on my friend's wrist... Like the helium balloon, she fights to pull herself up, but is always prevented from being free by her disease. And here, that freedom has two meanings. One path to freedom for her would be to obviously get better, to overcome her illness and learn to be happy. But for her, the only true path to freedom that she sees is death. The balloon is like her soul, caught in this artificial world struggling to be free from it all. I once tried to kill myself, and her and I have discussed how the worst part is the way everybody looks at you afterward...like you're fragile and broken and pitiful. It's the last thing you want but the only thing you can seem to see in anyone's eyes. In the chorus, she says "say it in your mind until you know the words are right." To me, this also has double meaning. One is trying to find the words to appease everyone, to tell them that you're fine and that everything will be okay. Another is trying to sort out exactly how you feel and why you did what you did, but the words never seem to convey the depth of the emotion. And so you just have to breathe. And the fight never ends. She does think that she would be better by now, that magically somehow she would start loving life. But it never seems to get better... And the love she'll never know...because so much self loathing prevents her from ever allowing anyone to truly love her...and the love of her parents, and from me, which she feels she doesn't deserve and thus doesn't understand or feel. This is why we fight...she's still fighting. Still trying to get better. And she and I are still fighting over it. She's fighting to live, I'm fighting for her to seek help, I'm fighting to stay strong...but something makes it worth it...that is why we fight. I know that this was long and disjointed. But this song truly moved me, and hopefully it spoke to someone else who has struggled with this, which I am sure it has. Just don't forget why you're fighting. |
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