Sometimes... I can convince myself that I hate that place. That is, until I think of -her-... She's the one good thing I know in that place. It's stupid really, because I know that a girl like that would never love a girl like me... she's probably into guys too... Know the other thing though? She's the only person I've ever had the slightest interest in dominating. She's just so... small, and while she's not exactly delicate, there's a vulnerability to her that is very endearing... When she's on the job she's all business, but you always feel that there's this softer centre hiding in there, just under the surface, and if you could only reach out and touch it... she'd be yours. Maybe it's just an illusion, this appearance of fragility hiding beneath- but even that possibility does not put paid to the images that the thought of her submission brings to mind... that smooth white rump, slowly turning pinker- the red welts of my whip criscrossing her pale skin... I can see it in my minds eye now. Delicious the sound of her cries as the cane bites... now... and now... and now. In my mind I order her to turn over, see her breasts jiggle slightly as she settles, and then I watch her face as I begin to mete out to her my sweet punishment. I could use anything on her... the clamps... the fringed and knotted belt... maybe I could even put the strap-on to some good use... Would she resist...? I'd like to wish not. Would she wear the badges of her submission proudly? She'd better.

today i am the richest person in the world. today was a day of happiness... of randomness... and of breakthrus. ive had some time tonight, to sit back and think about life in general. there is no luck like mine... i have stepped away from a family which is fragmenting into one where i can feel safe... and at home. boy and i took his grandparents to the caravan to see the parents today. thought it would be weird... so much of the family around, but it was a cool time. everyone was so relaxed and it actually felt like a family, instead of me being a spare part. the only person i ever felt that with before was the dog. :o) i love me bonnie so i do.

well, tonight has been a weird night... im at my boy's house... tied up, him going down on me... scants lost as usual, when my phone rings... its jane and she wants me to go to the induction days next week, so it sounds as though i may have a job after all. *crosses fingers* mindblowing stuff... im having trouble digesting all this, but its amazing! i just feel like jumping about and stuff like that. im all happy... and smiley, and i havent been as absurdly happy since back in the day when i was with gordon... kinda miss that guy... it's been over a year since i last saw him- saw him for his last unders night, but apart from that hes been consigned to that file called *blasts from the past*. sad in a way... he was a really cool guy and we had some fun together, me, him, and the ICOF... man, ICOF, thats another blast from the past... its ages since me and the girls used that name or aything like it, but anyway... those times were crazy... i remember meryls sleepover, when she turned 16, 4 of us crammed onto 2 single beds and a pile of cushions... i shared with mes, remember that much. i remember we sent lesley to her house next door at 1 in the morning to get her guitar... i remember how pleased she was when stephie showed her a chord she could easily master and how she would sit up at odd intervals, hit the chord and go 'maria' in a dodgy accent. that was hilarious, wish we could do that again. i guess we'd have to buy more drink than we did then, though... i don't think we're such lightweights now as we were back then. boy says that i sounded like a lost puppy yesterday when jane called... i hope not! mum thinks she must have taken a shine to me... weird how i can have that effect on some people when i used to be so shy... seriously... back in the day i wouldnt talk to anybody that i didnt know... then my friends and i drifted apart- guess they grew up without me for a while... i guess that situation sort of forced me to rethink who i was really, and made me start talking to people... over a really short time i made a lot of friends... some i still have, and some i dont. making friends takes a lot of time... but keeping them takes even longer. im lucky, a lot of the friends i made dont mind how often i see them... we'll always pick right back up where we left off whenever we meet... i love them all, people like jade, and gary... and 'zanne, from the cathouse... kerr n the scooby gang in bellshill... and the collection of wide loads from boy's uni. gotta love having friends, and when youve come thru what i have, you can look back, and realise that no wealth matters but the wealth you can gain by having friends like these.

well ive never done this before but i guess thats what life is all about... doing new things. i just posted in 'tearjerker' and i guess i wasnt surprised to see that so many other people feel the same way about the song as i do. the words just speak, thats all. the song makes me think so much of paul, and mackin, and ger... three guys ive liked, loved and been friends with. its confusing to have the guys on my mind so much but i suppose its because they still mean so much to me. ive never ever gotten over these crushes and to be honest, i never expect to. the guys are and have been far too important in my life for that to change. they represent three different times in my life... ger when i was beginning to learn about guys, mackin when i was taking my *babysteps*, and paul when everything seemed hunkydory. mind you, it was all a bit starcross'd when you think of it... im not with either one of the guys at all now. i remember when i kept getting hurt... and i dont look back in anger... more honestly i look back with a kind of... longing, which i cant understand. i miss being the kid in the candy store... its a year since i was that kid and i guess ive had a time adjusting to the... *monotony?* of being 'taken'. i feel isolated from the person i was and the friends she had... i remember 'back in the day'... i recognise faces from then not as real people but as 'blasts from the past'...it's as if over time they have lost substance and meaning, and i wish they wouldnt... i wish in my mind that they would grow neither fainter nor smaller but just be remembered as if frozen at that point in time, as colourful and alive in my memory as in life. that job interviews really gotten me down too... when i saw that unidentified number on my mobie... well, lets just say i could feel it wasnt santa. just this kind of sinking feeling when i heard jane's voice on the other end... i don't know how i didnt cry. you know... ive never wanted to work before, but this place was different... just somewhere i could be myself and be around kids and meet people. jane says i should call the glasgow branch in a few weeks though, to see if anyone had quit their jobs... i say the guy goes first... if there are any guys working there. apparently i have a high chance of ending up working there anyway this summer. i like those odds, much as i hate to admit it. och aye the noo... how scottish am i? optimism= one of our best features apparently... or is that another stereotype?