i am truely tired i am truely bored my body is sore and my heart is truely worn they always smite, i am tired of you way to much use, my body is sore i search for a muse, my heart is worn pieces are idle, life is a bore i’m a dreamer and you, you are reality... now i know why it was never so it wasn’t meant to be, a paradox like that in life just shouldn’t be, not here, not now but i’ll keep on dreaming and you, you keep on living one day i might meet up with you, you’ll smile, and i’ll smile because you smile we won’t say a word, we will both know what it is i want we will both know what it is you need though, you will need to keep on living while i, i will keep on dreaming dreaming the dream that will never be reality but will never run out of hope. i’m hopeless

This is something Devon from Osker said once: "while you have gallons of mohawks and leather jackets telling you that they do what they want, I don't believe them…I respect the person that says, 'I don't care for that' because there is no extreme, it's pure sincerity. Punk is doing what you want despite the infiltrators, outside of the skateboards and shoes and hair and patches and the diets and the tattoos. I am Devon and I have 5 close friends, the rest of the world is divided into the helpers and the clueless.” Devon rocks. me: "hello friend. tell me, what has happened? everything used to be all good now things are all bad. why don't we smile much anymore friend? life used to be enjoyable but now life is no longer a joy to live. what has happened friend? i ask friend, please tell me, what has happened? what has happened to our perfect little world? we knew nothing of these sins we have become so accustomed to. we used to wonder why older people never looked happy, at the time we just didn't understand but now we do. what are we kids supposed to do when we are no longer kids?.. friend?"

another snippet of who knows what: what makes us happy when we are not. is it people? is it events? is it a new outlook on something? is it hope? i think that sometimes nothing can make you happy, except time in a sense. Time is everything, it is also nothing. Everything good that will happen in your life will take place in due time. Same for the bad. So time is what makes us happy? If you can look at it that way, then yes. I can’t. But I do realize that Time can be the thing that keeps you going. It can’t make you smile when you’re sad, nor lift your head when its down, but it can be the thing that gets you thru. Not the day, not the week, not even the month or year. It’s what gets you thru the time that you are in, the present and however long the present lasts. I guess in a way the present is always, but I don’t look at it that way. The present to me is more like a period of time that you can say fits together. The present ends when a new present begins. It’s like a period in your life. My present right now is one of total confusion. I have some psychological things figured out but not so many physical things. College, where i stand with people, friends, other things of that sort. I think my present also reflects that of the world right now. Much confusion and a lot of transition. Music is in a weird time as well. The ‘pop’ around now, most everyone(music critics) will agree is horrible. Even the stuff on the indie labels isn’t as good. ‘Everyone sounds the same’ i hear all the time. What can you do though? Nothing but wait for this present time of confusion and transition to end and the next present to begin. Let us hope that the next present is one of filled with compassion and happiness for all.

a poem: i’ve been sore for one full week and happiness is just out of my reach i find direction then the winds alter, and my map it goes a flyin’ like my mind when i lose sight of what’s right i’ve been tired for one full month there is no you to want so i have no meaning on this calm night i search with no thoughts of seizure for there is nothing here of value now, i’ve looked and declared i’m sure Next year is suppose to be my year the year i break out, live, become, forget about here, forget about now Next year might be great, but what about what i have here i wish i could meet you, the you i don’t know, hell i’d bow until the inevitable inevitably never happens i will continue to wish and want, wait and watch, and never stop loving the chase that is finding out that tomorrow won’t be any different from today unless we live today with sincere hopes of a better tomorrow

maybe the reason why so many things happen the way they do and why we act the way we do is because, we don’t know. the feeling of not knowing is a deep feeling. somewhat of a paradox isn’t it? to have nothing is to have deep feelings.. well anyway i find this to be true. jeremy(a friend), like myself, doesn’t know what his purpose is. he knows this as well which, like me, gives him the feeling of hopelessness. I think everyone would feel the way we do if they had the sense to realize that they don’t have a fucking clue who they are or what they are here to do. but that just goes back to ignorance being bliss. we many times want something, badly, but we are sure we cannot have it. what we do next really does tell us what kind of a person we are. some people, 90% of the time me, accept that we cannot have this something w/e it is and we move on. we have been fead with a fucking spoon our whole lives that you can’t have everything you want and there isn’t anything wrong with that. which there isn’t but being fead too much of that shit distortes the mind into believing that you can’t have things you want just because you want them. this is a sad true in my life. the other kind of person when faced with this same predicament, they act. they try and they try. they strive to get what it is they want. in the process forgetting what it is they want and why they want it so badly many times. in other words, when they can’t be given something they take it. i many times envy these people. such as now there is something that i’ve wanted for over two damn years and i see some light in the fact that i could get it but i do not act. i am unsure. you probably say “bull shit just do it” oh but it isn’t that easy if you think the way i do. if you haven’t figured out yet the two kinds of people i’m contrasting, you are thinking too hard, it’s simple active and passive people. i am passive, like way passive. whenever i come across character testes i take them in an instantly, i always get the same results. i’m way way extreme passive. i hate it, it tears me apart at times, this time most definately. to call, or not to call. that is my question now. i’ve moved on past the old question “to be or not to be” since earlier this school year but i am still not content with things. even though things get better, i want more. i lie to myself and say how i wish things were better when in reality they are the best they have been. but what am i to do it’s human nature to feel greed, to want more. but that is more bull shit, saying something is ok because it is human nature is as hypoctical as saying ‘it’s ok to sin right now, i’ll just ask God for forgiveness later.’ i don’t want to sink to the level of something i have such disdain for. the sad true is i’m sure i’ve done it before.

sometimes i just want to tell the world how it is i feel, what it is i feel. i want everyone to know. no more secrets no more hidden pain hidden smiles hidden disdain. i want the world to know how it is i feel about the world, how it is i feel about you. but i know i cannot. I am myself, and you? you are you i suppose. we do not fit. it's the catch22 puzzle of life. we are suppose to live together to love each other but we cannot because we are all different. all of us with different shapes different sizes. we cannot come together to solve the puzzle that is life. the pieces do not fit, that is the secret of life.