maybe the reason why so many things happen the way they do and why we act the way we do is because, we don’t know. the feeling of not knowing is a deep feeling. somewhat of a paradox isn’t it? to have nothing is to have deep feelings.. well anyway i find this to be true. jeremy(a friend), like myself, doesn’t know what his purpose is. he knows this as well which, like me, gives him the feeling of hopelessness. I think everyone would feel the way we do if they had the sense to realize that they don’t have a fucking clue who they are or what they are here to do. but that just goes back to ignorance being bliss. we many times want something, badly, but we are sure we cannot have it. what we do next really does tell us what kind of a person we are. some people, 90% of the time me, accept that we cannot have this something w/e it is and we move on. we have been fead with a fucking spoon our whole lives that you can’t have everything you want and there isn’t anything wrong with that. which there isn’t but being fead too much of that shit distortes the mind into believing that you can’t have things you want just because you want them. this is a sad true in my life. the other kind of person when faced with this same predicament, they act. they try and they try. they strive to get what it is they want. in the process forgetting what it is they want and why they want it so badly many times. in other words, when they can’t be given something they take it. i many times envy these people. such as now there is something that i’ve wanted for over two damn years and i see some light in the fact that i could get it but i do not act. i am unsure. you probably say “bull shit just do it” oh but it isn’t that easy if you think the way i do. if you haven’t figured out yet the two kinds of people i’m contrasting, you are thinking too hard, it’s simple active and passive people. i am passive, like way passive. whenever i come across character testes i take them in an instantly, i always get the same results. i’m way way extreme passive. i hate it, it tears me apart at times, this time most definately. to call, or not to call. that is my question now. i’ve moved on past the old question “to be or not to be” since earlier this school year but i am still not content with things. even though things get better, i want more. i lie to myself and say how i wish things were better when in reality they are the best they have been. but what am i to do it’s human nature to feel greed, to want more. but that is more bull shit, saying something is ok because it is human nature is as hypoctical as saying ‘it’s ok to sin right now, i’ll just ask God for forgiveness later.’ i don’t want to sink to the level of something i have such disdain for. the sad true is i’m sure i’ve done it before.

sometimes i just want to tell the world how it is i feel, what it is i feel. i want everyone to know. no more secrets no more hidden pain hidden smiles hidden disdain. i want the world to know how it is i feel about the world, how it is i feel about you. but i know i cannot. I am myself, and you? you are you i suppose. we do not fit. it's the catch22 puzzle of life. we are suppose to live together to love each other but we cannot because we are all different. all of us with different shapes different sizes. we cannot come together to solve the puzzle that is life. the pieces do not fit, that is the secret of life.