It feels you have become less relevant on the forum...time to change that...time to fuck shit up, old school OPD style...high five asshole! Love, yourself... P.S. do me proud boy!

...plus a month and a couple days...if I was a rock star id be dead...I got a year to go tho...better not count em yet... taking stock...i been living in a tunnel for almost nine years with only a few tiny holes in which to breathe...the tunnel seems to travel as far as I travel and where ever i travel there it is...there was no escaping...fucking tunnel vision... I didnt have an identity either, I existed thru others, for others...there was no me, there was me by extension of him or her or them...if I didnt exist to someone, then i didnt exist by that less of an amount...so if I was known by everyone in the world, would I only then truly exist? i dunno...i think thats a fruitless way to look at it now... and hey fear and doubt, always fun stuff...Ive always feared things i have yet to try, always anticipating the worst, and whenever I tried it, my expectations didnt match my anticipation of the event or action...and yet i still feared what I didnt experience...I think to a certain extent I still do, and maybe I always will...but... a little over a week ago i got back froma road trip, did some things I did before (dayton, smokies) and somethings I havent, the ocean, which is something everyone must see once in their life...it broadened my horizons I guess...then the last day of the trip we stop in my old hometown...something I wasnt looking forward to...and yet, it was a pretty good day, some things happened that really changed my outlook...really tiny insignificant things and yet at the end of that day, i said screw it to the doubt, fear and anxiety I had always felt... the tunnel disappeared into the light...this bitter, cynical old bastard became an optimistic, almost sickeningly cheerful person...I feel now I have my own identity, that people do acknowledge me, that I dont hate myself...I want, no I feel i need to finally do something with my life, instead of giving in to the tunnel that has plagued me for such a long time... so im 27, the year that claims all the greatest rock stars...is it the year I make a change for the better...I dunno...I guess tune in to find out...i cant really tell you what station though...just turn the knobs for a while, you may find me...

gawd I wish i could write like james joyce, its like i have him locked up in my head, but he doesnt wanna be channeled thru my fingers...somewhere between joyce and bukowski is where I wanna be, cormac mccarthy, thomas pynchon, william faulkner..god dammit these literary assholes, I wanna be like them so much and its just beyond my reach...when I go to grasp the words in my head, they scamper away, and when theyre there, i have no way of recording them...I wish I could spew out the words, they land in my hands and i could place them on the wall, or on paper or something...i wish i could look at the computer or at the paper and they instantly be there...I never had a problem before...i think i need a topic, or some kind of deadline or framework or something...ive always hated writing about myself, especially in school, i guess I felt there was no need to write about myself, cuz it would be embarassing to read or just completely umworthwhile...someone like bukowski didnt care, he just did it, his shit life and his shit personality all down there on the page but its how he did it that made it special, he made diamonds out of shit, took something utterly mundane and worthless and made it poetic...is that where my future lies? i dunno... i still wanna be a writer tho...