Having this as the first entry on Clare is highly contradictory.Truth be told, this could have been written on the 31st of December 2002. This was only the start of my feelings, and the had not come to full fruition, but I realised how I attractive I found her mentally and physically. Then came a certain boudoir, and the rest as they say is history. I don't know the motivation on Phil's part, but he had been annoyed be Rachel, and had previously done something similar with Heather under similar circumstances. Anyway, him and Clare were together all night, I wasn't particularly bothered, I had a great time with friends, but still caused a lil' head fuckupidge, given re-emerging feelings It is important to mention I liked Clare before. She then got a boyfriend for a year while I liked her, now this was major head fuckupidge. By all accounts however she didnt know how I felt, I probbaly could have saved myself the hassle, but didn't, c'est la vie. Why did I like her again then - simple - she is an amazing person. We seem to have a fair amount in common, are good friends and she is now single (and has been for some time). Being around her makes the sun shine in my mind. It can be annoying, but again that may be my own fault. I would say serious feelings have been there for 4 months now. I still haven't told her. Rumours are she may have guessed, maybe not, who knows. I want to tell her, why dont I - I know rejection would spoil what I feel, and that seems the obvious outcome from what ive heard. I've tried getting over her - major failure - feelings too strong. We had such an amazing weekend at Marrick priory, and from then on feelings have been high. I could control them, but not stop them. A chance meeting at Easter made me realise after two weeks away from her, my feelings were still so strong. This is far from over i feel, I will ask her to the sixth form ball, see what happens from there, and hope the friendship blossoms. My real dream - to take Clare on holiday if only for a few days to gerbestone. To hold her in my arms watching the sunset on the lawns, or being together hand in hand on a walk. I want ot be with her and know she feels something for me...

This is where I will keep my thoughts of the past (although not in a crappy monologue of what happened way) and during the next year or so. In about 18 months, all being well I will leave here and leave behind many of these people I have shared the last 6 or in some cases 11 years with. It will be a new start, one which holds so many options for the future, but I want what is the here and now to always be a part of me, which is why I am going to record important events in the coming months, my thoughts and hopefully some information about the people I am enjoying life with at the moment. Ups and downs there have and will be, but as I listen to the Ataris ' in this diary' I realise how important this time is, how important it is I make the most of it, and how important it is I remember it. At the momemnt, I am three weeks from the start of my AS exam period. Its pretty hectic, and damn important, but I am going to do my upmost to have the determination to succeed and give myself a chance for the future. This is me, this is who I want to be, so here goes.