Today the main thing on my mind was m (obivously). I started out my day with running again. Tried to come to a good state of mind, but I could only think why the realtionship of m and i might be exsistant. That was a bad move on what I know is good for me, but then again makes me happier that something could happen. I thought that m might be glancing in the hall as i pass, and that it could be possible. Or when approaching just asking me if I had done the homework in class, and i just bluntly said yea and just kind of watched him walk away, still facing me. Of course, nothing else was said on my part. What a dumbass am I. Of course this could be just acts of someone wanting a friend but i have to over-analyze like always. Checking all possible outcomes helps me to see what could become though. I also hate the first step in "progressing as friends." Not just in this case with m, but in the same situation with Sarah. I talk to her about basic things, school, extra circular, and maybe/rarly some other things. I like her, and she seems like a nice girl, but the uncomfortable situation of getting to know hjer sucks. I hope we don't stop talking like we almost did a while ago, for no reason. From what I know about her thus far, we have a few things in common, which we try to elaborate on. The exact fact that we don't know each other very well makes the situation between us awkward. I can't wait until we know each other well enough to talk like two friends (or better than) would, and just have everything feel cosure. I don't even know how i can describe how i talk to my friends, it's just like we never have to actually... Think... of anything to say. Hopefully next year we will have a class and be seated so we will be able to talk. That's be great and if not DAMN THE MAN! I'd be pissed. It's good to know that I already know i have a class with m.

Today wasn't a bad day. I decided to wear my glasses.. and I thought they made me look more "preppy" not to mention the "peppy" clothes. Once again since I don't know who I am or what I am... I had some insecurity going into the day.. but that faded away. I'm not sure why or what I thought would happen, but everything was fine and I had a few comments on the glasses. Let's just say... I NEED TO TURN IN APPLICATIONS!!! DAMMIT After school today I was kind of pissed that my sister took my (or soon to be) car, which is currently my moms. Since she toalted her's my mom is letting her drive ONLY to school and work which she was out somewhere. That really pissed me off. After telling mom this she said i needed to convince her to buy my uncle's car ASAP. I'm going to flip a bitch if she did anything ANYTHING to that car... it's in really good condition for what it is. My mom didn't seemed too bothered by this... but I was. Tonight I was supposed to go to Oak Harbor's play. I knew I would at least see some of my friends there, and I actually wanted to go. But I didn't want to say HI and BYE the leave... I wanted to PARTY, which i probably could not do. So when my dad called to pick me up (oops) I went with him. I was surprised with myself that i wanted to go to OH because of my "social anxiety" and insecurity. I have some close friends... but terrible memories of some other times. In a way I think OH both scarred me but nurturied me. I'm glad for the new state of mind i have in Sylvania. I'm thankful for what Sylvania has given me... even though there are many things about me and other people I don't understand.... or know what to do (m).

Today at school wasn't bad at all. I finally had Flynn write a letter for certification, but since i had 3 applications, I would need 3 copies; which i never made. Glenn pulled a fast one by me and now i have to devise a plan to get him back. Of course, Becky was rambling along Bobby Bobby Bobby in study hall today. Tonight on the other hand left me feeling pretty crappy. I feel really stressed out, and I know mostly what I am stressing about. There seems to be a few things though that I can't think of... but I'll try to sum i all up. First of all, since I just put them on my glasses make everything look more eligible, but really far pushed back. I had a nauseating kind of headache last night. So far I'm liking my contacts better. The next subject off the top of my head is about my damn french class. I better have an A in there right now.. but once we go on about the crap we're doing now... I will hope to keep it up. I used to understand everything prettty well; but now since the Student Teacher is here, she has no idea on how to teach us. I'm all ready fretting about exams.... Next would be about my damn schedlue for next year. Today I went to talk to my counseler about it but he will not be in until Monday. I am fearing chemistry.. which takes 2 periods, all of the juniors tell me what a pain in the ass it is. Since I amm pretty sure that I will not go into anything to do with science in the future.. I was thinking more along the lines of intro to physics, which will give me a whole nother period to fill. I think C is also taking intro, but i'm not going to base that on c. Next... my step-dad. He is damn annoying. He is everything I'm not and don't want to be. There are many in depth stories I do not want to get into. Right now I am just stuck on the fact that his day consits of waking up and eating breakfast while watching TV, going to work and who the hell knows what, coming home and watching TV non-stop, even at dinner, until he falls asleep on the couch. His laziness reminded me of the fact of what I have been doing lately... nothing. I need to go running; which i forgot i wanted to do today. While I'm at my dads this weekend better walk my ass to the JCC or Olander at least twice. The last thing on my back, is the fact that i haven't turned in my damn applications yet. I am one step closer since I got a letter from Flynn, but the need to be in this weekend.. I have to call the places in school tomorrow. Once again.. I'll be pissed if any of those dumbasses in my class gets hiried over me.

Not a bad day today. This morning I procastinated in Newspaper with Flynn, I didn't add to my story or ask her to fill out a note saying that I actually am a certified lifeguard. That was pretty much the only event worth talking about in my day. After school, I had gotten a ride home from Megan, was nice for a change since i did not have lifeguarding. Then I played guitar (lesson tonight), and tried to watch TV but I couldn't find the remote so I didn't.... the new millenium. haha. Then I called Olander and the JCC to let the people in charge of hiring lifeguards know I was turning in an application. My dad wants me to do this because he thinks it will give me some sort of a better edge against the others, which i guess it could. Of course those 2 people, Scott (J) and Karen (O), were not in. I wish this whole applying thing was easier.. like no interview and so forth, but oh well I just hope i get damn hired. I guess taht whole Evan thing probably wasn't true. I mean that dumb if he wanted to beat me up and shit if we have never talked. He was on my team in this werid and twisted game of volley ball and didn't kill me. Still don't like the kid but what can you do. Damn I hope I get hired for good money

Fortunatly, I haved not wandered back to Lindsey after kind of thinking about it. Now the whole situation is very werid between us. I can't look at her the same... everything I now know completly changes my perspective one her. Anyway I passed my lifeguarding class today. I already have applications to the J, Westowne and Olander. I need to turn those damn things in as quick as I can. I swear.. I'll flip a bitch if one of those dumbasses in my class get hired over me. Not everybod in my class is a dumbass.. but you know what I mean. I think I should be watching my back.. but maybe it's just my paranoia. This dumb ass freshman Evan bumped into me today in the hall, purposely. After school he was walking behind me and talking to somebody and saying that tomorrow some kid will get beat up, and made it sound like he wanted me to hear. But little fucker..I bet he won't, I just hope I don't start anything. Maybe it's just me "over-analyzing" again. Who Knows

Well today took an interesting turn of crap. First of all I will say this story Last weekend Lindsey wanted me to come over on Saturday so I did. Her whole family was leaving the house. When her brother left early to go to his soccer game, their dad was going to watch. During this time Lindsey is perpetually getting phone calls. Some or all of the calls were directed from Mark, he wanted to hang out. When asking Lindsey if she had wanted to hang out with him she said no. So when she goes off into another room and "talks to her dad," he had supposedly said that she wasn't aloud to have anyone over without anyone (in the family) present in the house. So asks if my dad is home. I say yes and invite her over. After "re-discussing" with her dad she cannot go anywhere either. Rrrright. So as I'm leaving I see these guys pull up to her house. Suspisiously I call back later an no one is there. Hummmm She said that the story with her dad was true and she did not ditch me, the guys in the car were firends of her brother to get some soccer stuff, and that she wen to his game. So my suspicions still grew... kind of an awkward situation. ANYWAY in school today a friend told me that she had done things with a guy named Mark last weekend, being the weekend she had ditched me. Who knows if it was Friday or Saturday (ditching nght). Earlier she told me she had spent the night at Mark's house but it was no big deal. As my friends and I are analyzing her during lunch, we came to two basic conclusions... she always lies (even to best friends) and she is very two-faced. Sad was they way i probably would have felt, but I actually wasn't. I was mad and pissed, leaving me with a werid feeling all day. People that knew my situation (mostly girls) were sympathyzing, and that was cool.. haha. This whole entire day she had no idea that I knew so much more inforamtion about her, beyond the Mark situation, dealing with many more lies and a new state of mind. When our friend took us home she says "I didn't even know you came to school today." I was thinking "ISN'T THAT A CLUE!" after that she knew something was up and when she asked me what ws wrong I said' I'm sick... or something." Finally online I only told her that I thought she was two-faced and lies to everyone. I told her about a dissuction with unamed friends. I also said something about Mark. During her playing dumb I signed off in mid-conversation. Never got a call the whole night. This indefinetly marks the end of anything we had. I just think of this as another chapter in my life. Screwed Up Realtionships... everyone has them.. no biggie. But this whole situatuion left me feeling awkward and continuing to think about it. Babysitting those kids tonight was pretty fun, never thought about it once and made some money.

Since I saw this journal sapce I decided why not. First of all my whole situation with Lindsey. It's good that we started out as friends, and we still are. At I'm pretty sure that we were both glad that we had started to "progress as friends." We usually talked in school and on the phone ever night. I still talk to her in school, but conversations on the phone have been declinig a little bit. That's fine... I just hope it's not to an ending point. When we are with each other around other people she seems to get annoyed with me very easily. Since I can infer her frustration, it only makes me what to annoy her more.... which makes me the terrible person I am. When i would talk to her alone, and confrot her about me getting her pissed off, she says that she was just messing around. This makes no sense to me. I think about everday of lifegurading class she wants to kill me.. becuase she actually says that. This fact and a couple other situations about her make me doubt if she is actually telling me everything she should, or leaving me in suspisions. Who knows where things will go with us. Hopefully stronger... I'd better get going on some damn homework