the memory is still clear in my mind. my head was resting on his shoulder, his head was resting on mine, and the light of dawn crept in through the windows, warming the cold bus a bit. i looked at Anthony sound asleep, and I knew then I loved him. the feeling i got being with him was incredible. and seeing him last friday recharged those feelings. Simply stated, San Antonio was awesome! I'll never forget that trip... never. The bad thing is now I'll be comparing the next band trip to San Antonio because it was so awesome. I don't want to, but I can't help it. It's gonna be really hard not to compare anything to San Antonio because of Anthony. How am I suppose to have fun when everything reminds me of him? i love those memories, but i know people get sick of me telling them over and over again. i try hard not to talk about him, but sometimes it slips, and once again I'm ignored. people act like they don't care that i've been hurt... like they don't care period. even when i found out about my anemia, nobody seemed the least bit worried. nobody knew how much hell i went through during marching season. things were supposed to be different: Anthony and I were going to become even better friends, maybe more, and i was actually going to enjoy school. After Anthony left, everything came crashing down on me. I learned i can't get my hopes up because the exact opposite is guaranteed to happen (KU national championship is a good example.) and no one seems to care. everyone is too busy thinking about themselves to worry about others. all i can think about when i'm with my so called "friends" is how much they must not like me anymore. i used to like myself, but after the treatment i get from others i'm starting to not like myself either. so how am i suppose to love Anthony, when i don't even like me? when i'm with Anthony, I want to be a better person. he gave me a sense of importance, like i'm worth something. he listened to me, respected me, knew what i needed. he worried about me, cared about me, because if he didn't, he wouldn't have welcomed me with open arms. i don't care what others think of me now. i don't care if they think i'm crazy chasing after a guy that i haven't seen since August. i don't care about the negative side that my mom constantly talks about. i'm looking to the positive: being with Anthony will bring back the fun, the importance, the love I know because of him.

this is what i get when i talk to my mom. i ask her if it's ok for me to go see Anthony sometime, and of course whenever i talk about how i'm feeling, she's gotta look on the down side of things. "he has your number...why should you feel bad? he never called you when he said he would." she always has something bad to say about a situation. i hate it! everythings a drama to her! she told me that i have to have a honest discussion w/ Anthony, tell him how i've felt for the past year. I will, i want to tell him, but i'm not gonna dump this on him all at once. it's not fair to him or me. i'm sick of worrying over the slightest details. my mom is partly to blame for that..planting ideas in my head, like he doesn't really care for me, like he may not be worth all this trouble. and yet i dont totally agree w/ her, i still think about it, like maybe she's right. i hate it when she does that! always has to state her opinion about my love life...she did it with Bob too. i even told her how i felt about her opinion a little bit, but she just looked at me like i'm stupid and wrong, and went ahead stating her opinions. she's making assumptions when she doesnt know him or his family. i don't really know his family either, but i feel like i'm doing a lot of sticking up for them because she's is being so narrowminded. i know she means well, and that she's trying to protect me, but she needs to let me make my own decisions, make my own mistakes, learn how to deal with this on my own. she said "if it's meant to be then great...but i doubt he'll be coming back..." if it's meant to be, i'll never know by sitting on the sidelines letting life pass me by while i wish and hope for him to appear before me. i need to take this chance...i need to see him. i've tried to move on, just like my mom told me to do, but no one comes close to Anthony... Anthony's what I need right now...he understands me.

why did it take so long for me to finally see him? if i missed him so much why didn't i just hop in the car and drive over there? 2 reasons. 1. parents can be so complicated at times. mothers especially. ever since Anthony left, my mom has voiced her opinion about the whole situation every time i talk about my feelings and how much i miss him. she says i can talk to her about anything, but really i cant. she's always telling me what to do..always saying "oh, honey!" whenever i get a bad grade in something, even if its a B. The whole Anthony situation, in her mind, is all his fault. "He could've called you, he has your number," she'd say. But what if it's somewhat his parents' fault too? Like i said parents can be complicated. Anthony said so himself that it wasn't his choice. 2. time. time has always been against me. maybe because i'm a procrastinator. anyway, i never got around to seeing Anthony because A. I dont have a car of my own and B. i've just been bombarded everyday at school. basketball season wasn't exactly a piece of cake either, leaving me no time to myself to let alone think about Anthony. so now that the school year is winding down, i finally got the guts to go see him. my friend went along with me, making the trip a lot easier and giving me more reason to go there. though he wasn't home yet, i'm glad we went because we had a good conversation with his mom, who explained how much she's glad that they switched schools (back to reason #1: parents are complicated.) And we learned a lot about what's been going on in his and his family's lives since we were there last august. he finally came home, and seemed pretty surprised that we were there. he said that we could come back anytime and he likes it when we visit (sadly it was just the one time in august until last friday). He had to get ready for a trip, so we talked for about five minutes then left. Just seeing him was enough for me. I never realized just how much i've been missing all this time until then. I know now that he's totally worth the risk of lying to my mom about the visit... he's totally worth missing and thinking about for the past 8 months...he's totally worth loving. I'm glad to know that he's doing fine and that all is well with his family. I thank God that Anthony never forgot about me. "I've got nothing left to say... just take me away..."