yet another song that makes me think of elaine is pearl jam - black. actually this one more makes me think of any girl that i have ever thought i had a chance with. because i am the only one that thinks that i have the chance. its mainly the last two lines of the song. and if you are uneducated in the ways of pearl jam. it goes "i know someday you'l havea beautiful life i know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky but why cant it be mine" and that just makes me remember all the girls that sed they didnt want relationships to me one night. and then told me they had a bf a few nights later. and i guess i just should wish them well and forget them. but i sit and beat myself up about it and i dont know why. oh well. that is my life.

the song "she's in the bathroom" by atom and his package. i can see that whole thing happening to me. i take my g/f out to dinner, and she goes into the bathroom and i never see her again. i seem to attract disappointment.

i was on my way home from work and i had a new mix i made in the cd player and "the speed of pain" by marylin manson came on. and it got to the part where he says "and i wish i could sleep but i cant lay on my back 'cuz there's a knife for every day that i've known you. when you want it. goes away to fast. times you hate it. always seems to last. just remember when you think you're free. the crack inside your fucking heart is me. . ." and then it goes into the chorus. that part reminds me of elaine a lot. because she told me she loved me and would never think about leaving me. and she did. and after a while she told me that while she was telling me that she loved me, she was not in love with me. which i consider to be very wrong. later in her life when she tried for her relationships, i hope she looks back at me in her mind and feels remorse for not staying with me.