In sixth grade I dumped my girlfriend who was faithful for the girl who was "hot." Although the former bought me sixteen stone for christmas and called me everyday. Sarah was faithful. She always was there to talk. But the funny thing is I have no idea what I talked to her about for hours and hours in the 6th grade. What did we talk about? It seems that I didnt have that much to say when I was that age. I think it was Kasey who got us together in social studies class but it was perfect cause I remember seeing her laugh at Optimist park and liking everything about her at that moment. Then she was in my class and all of the sudden all of our friends are dating. I'm thinking whoa. Maybe we could date or soemthing. Then Kasey told me that Sarah kinda liked me and I told brett I liked Sarah and then we started dating. I never kissed her. I think that is what made it last so long. I just liked talking to her on the phone. When i would tlak to her on the phone, it was in my room and I was sharing my room with daniel, and he would always listen to our deep converstaions sitting by the door. I remember dancing with her at the dance. Well kinda. But no song stuck out. Maybe boyz to men. I playd trombone and sarah played clairnette. YEaa. Then we sat together at the Christmas concert. we all tapped our shoes together. I was so nervous and I got to dress up and play in front of the school. Apparently our band director told us we were fregging good. I was still scared. Yet i sat in like 7 or 9th chair. I couldnt do as well as Darren Workman. I also remember Nicole pullen sat beside me and she had glasses and frizzy hair and just kinda smiled alot. She was always wearing flower dresses and looked very nice. I always waved my hiar up and wore my sports shirts. And that blue shirt my mom bought me at goody's. Those days it didnt matter what clothes you wore, the only thing that did matter was what kind of shoes you wore. Then you were cool. But that only lasted up til 6ht grade. Then life ended as we all looked up to anyone who was able to afford American Eagle and Abercrombie and fitch. AHHH. Shoes days were better than clothes days.

IT seems when I have the holiday or friday feel I am less personal and genuine than when I am stressed out about a 5 page paper at 8pm the night before its due. I make a list of all the things i want to do with my free time and I feel myself walking right past people and not caring about them whatsoever or in other words I value this time sitting in front of the computer emailing people far away more than the people that exist around me. I love to write people and get mail, but sometimes I just need to exist and be mindful of what exisit around me rather than looking so much to the future. Again it all hangs on the hindge of starting my day off devoted to Christ and being mindful of him all day long. SIGH. Then I do it again and again. And look at the food im about to eat as the fulfillment I am looking for. Then stand tehre with my salad in my hand while Danny talks to me and he can see it in my eyes that I relaly want to eat this egg salad rather than stand and talk to him in the dining hall. he knows then there's the dead silence after his comment to me and its saying to him that I dont want to be talking to him I want to be eating this salad because it 2 and i havent eaten since 8. Then we walk away.......i get to eat my salad and I walk out of the cafeteria heavy but not fulfilled. Then I walk through the union and stare at the groiund so I wont make any eye contact with the people I come upon. Its my own insecurity that I get a glimpse of another person's eyes and dont requite them with a smile. Its the worst emptiness that I can so easily jump back into my own body to dodge a relationship. I come back to the room to find an old MP3 Cd. Alanis. Oh what truth this song brings me.......Thank you silence.........thank you terror........thank you disillusionment.........thank you.......The moment I jumped off of it, is the moment I touched down.............How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out..........I wanted to be in the city in this song..........i wanted to be studying abraod...........I wanted to be anywhere.........around a few..................Thank you Christ for forgivness...........what can i do with forgivness.........maybe revolutionize me life in the queitest way.........maybe come to terms with myself.......maybe shoot myself in the head like Tyler Durden..............Yet its the most beautiful thing..............I should work as a janator............Christ is great and I should lose myself............................just like John the Baptist........... Now I reach out and touch people in passing but can i take it to the next step..............and how do i continue a relationship...........even with another guy.......another brother.....teach me how to be humble.............humble.........Thank you humiliation.........thank your God for my acne in high school..........thank you God for my embarrasing moments.........and thank you God for being dumped and rejected..........thank you for this moment

Long time No see. I’ve had the best morning. This morning I got up at 6:00. Roughness I’ll tell ya what. I was meeting some guys at a church I visited for breakfast. I stood beside my dresser and considered my options. On one hand I was tired weak feeling and my bed was right beside me, and looking at my roommate sound asleep didn’t help either. Every time I wake up early I always seem to tell myself if I don’t get more sleep I’m going to fall over asleep during the day or just die. It’s ridiculous and untrue. I have run off four hours of sleep many a times. And my other optio n was that I promised those guys that I would meet them for breakfast. I have been trying to keep my word. So many times I compromise or don’t really mean what I say when I tell someone I will call them. Hold me accountable guys. So I started walking up to the church and then I started running because walking is boring. I got there and we talked for a little while. I was still kinda out so I sat there listening in daze. Life’s no fun in a daze. You gotta talk. I met a guy who named Micheal who had been abandoned when he was 12 and was homeless for years. He said he was a drug addict until he got saved. We ate eggs and all the typical things (North) Americans eat for breakfast. Eventually we started talking and the conversation turned to the argument between communism and capitalism. One of the guys is kind of a hippie and liked some of Marxist ideas but didn’t adhere to the whole idea. The other guy was about some capitalism. The contrast between the two is an interesting discussion. Communism and capitalism both have their perks but The pastor of the church was there and he empathized with both sides(because he had read both Adam Smith’s book on capitalism and Marx’s communist manifesto) and helped make it a fair discussion rather than an argument. Arguments are pointless. Discussions and dialogues are fruitful. I’ve learned that I cannot argue someone into accepting Christ. I have to listen to them. Jesus was always gentle when talking to people not yelling. He helped people understand the emptiness they had and then helped them understand. Anyways, we decided that capitalism had its greediness and communism had its godlessness and they were both man made, thus the root answer to all our problems is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, who heals the heart one individual at a time. Good stuff. So I caught a ride back to the dorm, so I could get my stuff to study. When I walked in the room it was 8:00 and my roommate was still asleep. I thought about if I had stayed in bed, how I would have missed out on this fellowship with guys and the discussion. And I wasn’t even tired at all. I was wide open. This made me think of a verse I read the other day “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death” (Proverbs 14:12) I thought that it was right for me to go back to bed and break my promise to the guys, but in reality that Christian fellowship kicked my day off in the right direction. I thought I was right, but I was wrong. And then I made the connection with sleeping and being dead. If your always sleeping your not living. Sleeping is boring. Waking up and smelling the coffee is life.