> On the way home from Sky Harbor I listened to Alisoon Krauss, the > Cranberries, and Sufjan Stevens. It would be > interesting to see a journal or what thoughts > crossed through my mind as I listened to each of > those CD's. When I listened to Alison Krauss, > hearing that live bluegrass made me want to become a > bluegrass performer who preached the gospel. > The Cranberries CD made me want to quit school and > live a counterculture Christian lifestyle, maybe > dropping out, working at burger king and being a > real working class person. And the Sufjan Stevens > Cd made me praise the Lord...........isn't it > interesting how each one influences me? You cant > say that music doesnt influence you.

I just read Flannery O'Connor's "Everything That Rises Must Converge." I've questioned this and fought with my parents but this story puts a final reality to my actions. My actions towards my parents are not. They are not what they should be. The character of Julian is me to and extreme. The sad thing is I don't know if thats me to extreme or not. The scene where he is imagianing himself totally seperate from his mother is something that is totally parallel to my thoughts at one time. I have thought the same thought. The thought that my parents are like a strangers because I'm so self righteous about my ideals and hatred of TV or whatever. This makes me question my ability to love my parents genuinely. Do I? Or do I pretend. What can I do? I must.

I'm walking around and I'm trying to be friendly but it's as if I say hello out of nervousness. But you know its real if you mean it. When someone just nods there head and says hey its much diffrent than when someone looks you in the eye with a look of life annd vitality, eye brows raised and a look of rest in their eyes its much different. Its the difference between a real hello and a obligation. Yet I dont feel comfortable walking by someone without acknoledgeing their presence. THere's an awkwardness there if you dont. It's as if I am an ant and I'm smiling from ear to ear at everyone, everyone feels my energy yet I just do it out of nervousness. Saying hello to people can also bring people in to have a great conversation and to make them feel comfortable. Why wait in line at the coffee shop and make the person beside us feel comfortable? What about when I walked through the wrong exit in the library and almost broke the detector thing? I kept walking and regreted not fixing it. I didnt even act like it happened. I continuted walking with a very nervous guilty feeling in my stomach. Who am I do walk through like nothing happened. Its as if I pretend that i meant to do that. Is America's problem the ignorance of our tendency that we did something wrong? When you stumble over a crack in the sidewalk and fall face first on the concrete then hop back up like nothing happened, is that America's greatest fear? The fear of rejection? The fear that we won't blend in well of the standards that have been set? We must be stone cold faced and only make jokes as means of communication. If this is the case, we can't pretend like we care about anyone. It seems we cant continue to ask for help or care about the next person. its as if everyone is objective from us. If we see a person in need we either a.) oh that's their problem, they havent worked hard enough in life b.) oh i can help them but only if I get some kind of compensation c.) oh if I look the oppostie direction maybe they wont realize that I saw them hurting. Its as if we have so many safeguards, psychological devices and physical language showing that our lives are so meaningful without other people and although we know other people have needs we just have to get to work and get this report done or we just have to get to class or go to bed or eat or look at the sky or ignore someone's pain or even someone existence. Im not talking about ignoring the janator who cleans my dorm or even the guy on the corner that i pretend like I dont see. im talking about the people I cosnider myself equal to. The girl who reminds you of your friend at home. The guy who has a similar taste in the way I dress but 'he just seems cocky and full of himself' The girl in my class who is walking right behind me and I know she sits across the room from me but im going to act like I didnt see her walk in the door behind me even though i held the door open yet didnt look at her. What about sitting and talking to peopel. I see Buzz walking across campus in the same direction I am walking yet I still have the urge to keep walking and not wait on him as if my conversation with sean is so important i can prtend i didnt see him. Where do I go from here? Do I write or read or do I live? Is reading escapism? Is reading something we do to escape our problems and concerns? Is reading a thing we do when just to make ourselves busy as opposed to relationship? I belive we live by not wanting to know who we are but by losing our identity and killing ourselves and relating to people. Forget who we are every day wheter that be "I am an English major" or "I am a republican" or whatever million roles we label ourselves with. This seems to put us on a gird that says "since I dress preppy, I cant relate to the kid with the black sabbath tshirt on" So if we seem to identify ourselves with clothes it would be a good idea to start wearing tshirts taht didnt have brand names on them because that way we could not be associated with one group and have the potential to connect with anybody.

Lately I've been learning how to love people and talk. I've been learning how to talk to people. It seems that I see other people so differently from myself when in reality we are all humans and are all pretty much the same we just all pretend we're so different. The beautiful thing is that Jesus teaches this and this is what God wants. Love thy neighbor. Everyone is our neighbor and there are so many days(like today) when I dont view every person I walk by a spitting image of myself. Although externally we look different we all need God's grace and the Word of God as a guide to our lives. I cant continue to pretend that I'm so differnt from people. I do have Christ who saved me but the rest of my fabricated "identity" of is mostly world influenced. Im trying to be as versitile as possible and to me that is quit trying to be somebody and just be. Realize people are around me, all the time. School is not going to define me and people are just gonna let me down and ill let them down, causing shame. Identifying with Christ is identifying with the everyone. Quit asking the question "Who am I?" and realize the meaning my life takes with Christ.