now, i dont know how relationships work for most people, but i have found that mine are never quite right. if i am with someone, i cheat on them. and if i dont cheat on them, they hurt me. well, i guess that sounds pretty dramatic. the one guy i trusted enough not to hurt me completely, did. you know how you can feel so secure with someone? that was the best feeling i had ever had with someone. i never thought it was going to be forever, but i figured it would be something. it never occured to me that we would have nothing. that words were just words and they didnt really mean anything. i never thought i would let myself be that vulnerable or be hurt that much. it's probably a good thing that we dont talk at all. otherwise, i would be trying so hard to be in your life. this way, i get to do my own thing. nobody said it was easy... no one ever said it would be this hard.

so, i just realized i get to write on here. and im so glad. i need to rant and rave like every other person. i didnt want anyone to read it, and i dont think anyone will. i mean, if you do, thats cool, but im not sitting here hoping and praying for someone to read this. i feel like such a jerk for so many things, but who am i to try to please everyone? i realize this has nothing to do with my favorite song or my favorite band, but fuck that. none of that really, truly matters. and right now i want nothing more than for my phone to ring and it to be him. hes not my boyfriend, but hes my ex. and maybe im crazy for wanting to talk to him, but i dont care. i dont care that hes hurt me SO bad, i dont care that my boyfriend hates him, i dont care that my friends make fun of me for wanting to talk to him. i know this is such stupid high school drama and it will be okay eventually. but,*sigh*, the worst part is that its just another day....