I am a downward spiral kid

All racing pulse and ragged breathing

Head down and awkward walking

A sadness inside that's never leaving

Late nights and tiny blades

With sliced skin and dripping blood

Muffled crying into pillows

I would change it if I could

Don't fret

Long sleeves do the trick

I'm so good

At hiding being sick

I wake up

And the darkness suffocates

Thing is

I don't want you to resuscitate

A dark tunnel with no end

Watch as I lose all my friends

Its like a scream that is silent

Heavy weights and inner violence

I look in the mirror

Hating what I see

Always falling endlessly

I often wonder if this was always waiting to come for me, or if it could've been avoided. I don't know which is more depressing: the fact that I have no choice in this and that it was always there, or the fact that it was my fault, and something I did wrong.

'All alone it was always there you see
And even on my own
It was always standing next to me
I can see it coming from the edge of the room
Creeping in the streetlight holding my hand in the pale gloom
Can you see it coming now?

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down

All alone even when I was a child
I've always known there was something to be frightened of
I can see it coming from the edge of the room
Creeping in the streetlight holding my hand in the pale gloom
Can you see it coming now?

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down

All alone on the edge of sleep
My old familiar friend
Comes and lies down next to me
And I can see it coming from the edge of the room
Smiling in the streetlight even with my eyes shut tight
I still see it coming now

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again
Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down'

-Breaking Down, by Florence And The Machine

I'm struggling to just get through the day now.

The weight of living is always dragging me down, and I'm overhelmingly sad.

They're looking for an appropriate unit to admit me to. I know it won't help.

Throughout the day I keep getting struck by the fact I'm gonna have to wake up and do this all again tomorrow, and its hard to take.

Theres no nice way to say that any chance I get I'm checking out of this world.

I can't do this anymore.

Inside of her

The biggest thing I know

The blackest thing too

A mouth that droops low

Blades for fiingers

Jagged shards of glass all over

The smell of failure that lingers

The pointlessness of everything fo eyes

Suicide for a heart

Fat for thighs

She breathes in worthless

Empty empty empty

And breathes out darkness

She can't see the sun anymore

Yet still smiles and laughs

She's adrift on an ocean with no shore

Yet still gets out of bed

They said I might have to go into hospital again in a month or so if things don't improve. I don't even care anymore.

The night times are getting worse. That when the dark thing that lives and grows inside me is most active. It swells and rages like a massive stormy sea, and all I do is lay there and let it wash over me. Its all I can do.

The psychiatrist said I have 'resistant depression'. I have no clue what that means, but then I don't have a clue about lots of things these days.

I've been listening a lot to Breaking Down by Florence And The Machine. ts the most accurate song about depession that I know of.

In Vincent Van Gogh's suicide note he wrote: 'the sadness will last forever' and I know now that he was right.

I don't really know what to write. It seems like there's nothing to say.

I think about suicide a lot, and I wish I had a gun.

Some people believe that when we die we become a star, but I think I'd become the darkness between the stars.

Does anyone actually read what I write? I always wonder. I'm thinking about maybe deleting my account. I don't know why.