I'm having trouble with friendships. They are odd and difficult to maintain. I always have to be outgoing and witty and funny, and basically everything at once. When I am with myself, there are no expectations for me to reach and take a hold of with thin hands. And I feel like my friends and I skim the surface of what a friendship should be like. It's always just  jokes and crude humour and bitchiness ( I hate using this word, but it's true) and hate, but nothing more. My psychologist says I need more intellectually stimulating friends, but I just can't find any. And maybe there are some shy kids waiting for me to come over to them, but I hate being the one to make the move. It's nervewracking and scary, and I think that I might weird them out. So I think it's better for me not to try, otherwise I will hurt myself.

I hate being a teenager sometimes. You have to struggle to find who you are, and I think I have a clear idea of who I am, though I cannot describe myself in a mere number of words. I think that's why you know who you are ; when you jus can't define youself because there is so much more to you than smart or funny or beautiful. There are words that haven't been invented that you can use to define yourself, but there are feelings and senses because there are limits to words and numbers but there are not limits to emotions and thoughts.

But my real problem is, is that everyone my age is trying to find themselves in this great big world while I already have (I think).

At first, I used to ge frustrated at myself for changing whenever I hung out with other people. I think there are more sides to me than a six sided dice, and the most important thing is how you deal with that. How you deal with the fact that you are not a constant, but a variable.

For some reason, a lot of my journals do not post, and it used to anger me but now I don't really care.

I"m trying to draw more, and I use this really thin pen so all my drawings look like chicken scratch but i like it. I'm not that great at writing or math, and art doesn't require either of those things so...

School starts in a few days and I know the first week back will be sort of exciting but then after that, it just becomes a dull routine. it seems I cannot escape from this cycle.

I've noticed that a lot of the journals here include some exicting stuff, and it makes me wonder why mine doesn't.

Am I doing nothing with my life or is life doing nothing with me?