I'm having trouble with friendships. They are odd and difficult to maintain. I always have to be outgoing and witty and funny, and basically everything at once. When I am with myself, there are no expectations for me to reach and take a hold of with thin hands. And I feel like my friends and I skim the surface of what a friendship should be like. It's always just  jokes and crude humour and bitchiness ( I hate using this word, but it's true) and hate, but nothing more. My psychologist says I need more intellectually stimulating friends, but I just can't find any. And maybe there are some shy kids waiting for me to come over to them, but I hate being the one to make the move. It's nervewracking and scary, and I think that I might weird them out. So I think it's better for me not to try, otherwise I will hurt myself.

I hate being a teenager sometimes. You have to struggle to find who you are, and I think I have a clear idea of who I am, though I cannot describe myself in a mere number of words. I think that's why you know who you are ; when you jus can't define youself because there is so much more to you than smart or funny or beautiful. There are words that haven't been invented that you can use to define yourself, but there are feelings and senses because there are limits to words and numbers but there are not limits to emotions and thoughts.

But my real problem is, is that everyone my age is trying to find themselves in this great big world while I already have (I think).

At first, I used to ge frustrated at myself for changing whenever I hung out with other people. I think there are more sides to me than a six sided dice, and the most important thing is how you deal with that. How you deal with the fact that you are not a constant, but a variable.

For some reason, a lot of my journals do not post, and it used to anger me but now I don't really care.

I"m trying to draw more, and I use this really thin pen so all my drawings look like chicken scratch but i like it. I'm not that great at writing or math, and art doesn't require either of those things so...

School starts in a few days and I know the first week back will be sort of exciting but then after that, it just becomes a dull routine. it seems I cannot escape from this cycle.

I've noticed that a lot of the journals here include some exicting stuff, and it makes me wonder why mine doesn't.

Am I doing nothing with my life or is life doing nothing with me?

i'm listening to the Grateful Dead and i just love it. not just the band and the music, but the whole sense that comes with listening to a new album. you don't know what they're going to sing next, and the rythymic guitar strums are so unfamiliar but so familiar at the same time. i like music a lot. i like how i can connect with it. how it seems like the songwriter wrote it about my life  but they dont even know who i am. i find that bizzare and so so cool.

im so used to things being predictable and unsurprising so something as small and (supposedly) unsignificant as an album makes the world seem like such a wonderful place.

music also blocks all my thoughts which is quite relieving. im beginning to feel not so good about myself again and it really really sucks. i have this friend who is incredible at everything. she's beautiful, has an amazing voice, smart, and funny. all of our friends adore her so much,but im just there. i know im second best because everyone prefers to talk to her rather than me. but im good at listening and that attracts a lot of people to rant at me. which is alright and everything, but it makes me feel as if i should put people's feelings over mine.

i thought i got used to being second (or sixth hundredth) best, but it still manages to hurt and pierce the shred of self-appreciation i have.

the truth is that i have to accept being average. because I am. im not really brilliant at anything, im just okay at them. i wish i had a special talent, like something that i'm brilliant at. like science or math or english or whatever. and i really hate school for making me feel like im incompetant at things compared to other people. 

i have no sense of self at all. i do not know who i am or what im good at, or what i love and what i dont. i do not know how to support my beliefs and i let people trample over me, but i get up anyways and brush away the dust and dirt, and continue to let those people crumple and crash over me. i am drowning and there is no water.

i cannot finish books. I do not have the persistence to make it to the last page. I hate leaving things undone but I get so bored and I cannot motivate myself to actually complete novels.

it's the same for people too. I like figuring them out but once I have put all their puzzle pieces together, I leave. I do not like this either, and I know that this must hurt and confuse all the friends I have left behind, but I get so irritated and angry at them and I do not know why.

i am young, but at my tender age I can already tell that I will not ever be in a stable relationship with anyone. Because i will leave and give up and get tired and bored and no one deserves that.