i logged into my old songmeanings account, and oh my god. i'm half drunk and on the verge of tears. i was so much better at writing about my life back then. i was so naive. i was so excited for the future. i wrote about my dad when my mother had a protective order against him, about how he came over and cried every night, begging to come back. he eventually did and things got better. this stuff seems so small now, but back when i was 14 i was doing exactly what i am now: sitting at the computer, trembling. i would have never expected that my dad would be how he is now, barely able to talk after a major stroke. those problems are long gone but replaced. things change, so fast, but you gotta adapt adapt adapt. i guess.

i don't have many of the friends i used to write about anymore. but as i read on, i realized that i have become the person i want to be for the most part. i used to dream of an exciting life, having the courage to do what i want, and that's what i have now. it's just so fucking bizarre, reading my old thoughts like that. i was so fucking young and full of passion. i still have my love of adventure and now i'm wild eyed and almost fearless, but where is my passion? 

i'm just in a really weird place right now. it's not bad, but everything around me feels so surreal. i'm in the house i grew up in, the room i spent my childhood in, but i'm such a different person. i have so many more experiences but right now i just feel like that same dumb kid, dreaming of something more. but what even? i don't know. i'm listening to weatherbox and i've got all the love in the world.

i'm falling for him. hard. and it scares me because he's not like any boy i've ever been with. he treats me better than anyone has and i always want to see him. i'm scared of giving my all to someone because all i've ever been is hurt, and i know it's foolish to sway from what you want in fear of what's happened in the past, but i'm just scared. when it comes to love i'm a child. i don't know, i just hope he stays because i plan on hanging around for a long time.

this website is a lot different from 2008. i was a pretty avid member back then, but i'm five years older and needed a less embarrassing username and clean slate. i always used this website as a way to write and remain fairly anonymous from people in my life. tonight i got a weird motivation to go back at it and start writing about my life again, somewhere i can safely look back on it and cringe. this entry will be pretty scattered because this is overdue. my mind is scattered, and not necessarily in a bad way. i just want to remember how i'm feeling now, i guess. you know, i apologize for the lack of artistry in this post. it's all biographical and boring, but i guess i can't yet expect much from this long lost drive i've finally found.

i'm listening to twiabp and feeling pretty bizarre, tweaked out on coffee at 2 am. sorry. i stopped smoking weed and i feel great. i don't even miss it. i honestly loved it, and sometimes i'll smell it and feel a little nostalgic but not too much. i think i just miss the novelty. fat smokes and funny jokes with my friends, driving around, getting stoned alone in my room and listening to music. every once in a while it made me feel perfect; but as for everyday use, it's not for me. i learned the hard way and now i just need it out of my life for a while. i'm staying away from it for now, away from anxiety medication, and adderall. i go back to school in august and it'll probably get hard, but i have other vices to get me through.

 i have a boyfriend now, and it's funny, because he is almost exactly what the 9th grade me writing in a songmeanings journal in 2008 would have wanted (except with a better music taste). he's tall, long hair, a great musician. he plays me neutral milk hotel songs and sings me the bayside cover of "megan". how perfectly cliché is that? he's not like any boy i've ever had. he doesn't leave the morning after with just a little meaningless conversation. he kisses me with my sleepy eyes and morning breath, leaves for work, but comes back to me in the same way. he's so talented, definitely too good for me and i'm sure someday he'll realize that, but i'm happy now. he understands me because he has the same troubles and more, and i just want to make him feel good.

i start my second year of college next month. in the middle of august, i go back to that beach town i've always loved. i go back to the roommates i love and hate, the awful parties we always find ourselves at, and lots of bad, cheap food. my boy will be able to visit me more and i can't wait. i've probably fucked myself over in the film major, and i have no idea what else i want to do with my life, but i'm sure i can figure it out. i won't let the pillars in my mind crumble like last year. i'm rebuilt, strong sturdy and clear headed. i'll get my shit together someday, right? 

maybe