Starting my last module of the year today, and it has been off to a good start, surprisingly.

I feel I've made one too many promises though. You see, I can't help it, people tend to pull on my heartstrings, they pull them out and hang them like bells in the night sky. This is too high for their hopes of me. 

I can assure you that assurance has never been more of a stranger to me than now, who knows what the next six months will bring? 

Somedays I feel as if I need an entirely new start, get rid of everyone in my life. Sometimes I think about how my life would be if I never met them in the first place. Would I be better off? At this point my brain start bubbling, it starts off slow, heating up and bubbling over the more I doubt my thoughts. The worst part about being a girl after the surprise emotional fits is the fact that we over think absolutly everything, which usually induces the random torrents of tears.   And yet I enjoy crying, you sort of let absolutely everything you don't want to hold onto seep into your tears, which is totally OK! I don't buy that bullshit, crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you real, it makes your emotions real and that's what I like to feel, REAL.   That's probally why I like to touch things, feeling their textures, their heat, rough walls, and the realisation of how scratchy my sweater is. The touch of kisses grazing my shoulder, jaggerd, digging hips and elbows, pin pricks and grass on my toes.    We say that seeing is beliveing, but feeling something, thouching it with your bare hands makes it a reality.  

So I joined this site ages ago, and only recently have I mustered up the courage to write anything.

I'm not gifted in anyway when it comes to writing or composing words in such a sequence that it captivates an audience, barring that I do not intend to  share a life altering story or experience which has come my way.

No, this is entirely just me getting away, no one I personally know comes to this site, and that's why I feel like I'm here. Talking to a stranger, or just talking to no one, but still being able to find words to tell, just the universe in general helps.

Often having too many thoughts constantly weighs down your mind tremendously, often weighing down your body too, and your heart.

On occassion I feel so heavy, melt through the floor I walk on, like lard, black, heavy and dripping. Constantly inconsistant, and yet that is what makes us alive. New emotion always. WHo cares if you aren't emotionally stable? You're probably the most alive out of all of us, recognising happiness when its due, knowing saddness when it's needed.

This is what we as humans are made up of, inconsistancy. If we knew exactly how to react accordinly always, no mistakes, would that be any sort of life at all? 

Personally I enjoy making mistakes, cause mistakes are real. You can feel them and see them, they affect you, whether it's with good reason or not, they're there and you know it, and it's up to you to alter them if they need altering.

I am a mistake (take this in a positive manner), - quick background, I am studing Visual Communications, it's my first year and although I am good at it, I'm not competative (well barely) and I recentely realised that this is the path which I wasn't meant to take. Barring that I am a fairly happy person, just dealing with life as a teen and what it throws at me.

So as I was saying, I am a mistake, which is genrally a good thing. In the theroy of Marx (Marxism) and the origins of it, although it is a social conflict which touches on the basis of dialect, which is the ideology behind history and whether or not it exists, so I'm not going to rant on about some bullshit and turn this into a Visual Culture lecture, but basically t touches on the fact that ideologies are forever evolving, as is time and history. Should one aspect of the ideology contradict itself they re-do or touch up the entire thought to constantly improve it.

This is then how I feel about mistakes. Mistakes are generated from an idea, which is then generated into an intention and then ofcourse action and ultimately a mistake, but us as humanity can't live with mistakes so we go through the entire process againg, keeping the good parts and rectifying our mistakes.

So this then leads me to believe that I am a mistake, not in the general sense that I am wrong or not meant to be, but rather in the sense of consistant rectification, and ever bettering myself, through making and understanding mistakes.

Now how do I conclude this thing without making it seem like I'm trying too hard?