...i discovered myself again. I realized my pain does not help the grass to grow or the sun to shine. Instead, all of a sudden I missed everyone and discovered that the earth is not a cold dark place. I feel like this is my first breath after coma. Now that the moon is down, I looked into the air to find the sun's rays illuminating my skin. This was most pleasing, because I felt as if I spent at least six days at the bottom of the ocean. With the sun shining brightly on this unforgettable day, all I wanted to do was take your hand in mine. I understand, but don't worry, it's natural to be afraid. I'll take your trembling hands if you take mine. As our fingers touch, time stops. Instantly, as we look into each other's eyes, we experience the magic hours of love. Please, my love, let me back in. Although the glittering blackness can represent my mood sometimes, I want you to please, please, remember me as a time of day. My mood can linger on the birth and death of the day, which for you, seems like the catastrophe and the cure. Ah, but the love I have for you needs to be expressed now. Remember that the only moment we were alone before I could not express anything. But now, I have better human qualities...I need you to know that. It is time for me to say, so long, lonesome self, who for many moments took over my perspective of life. I am alive again. Now, with tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept. **These are song names and album titles from Explosions in the Sky. And the journal title is from The Outsiders (the book and movie use the same line)**

People used to acknowledge this girl who wore so many colors. I've been told that... ..she gave off radiant energy to everyone in her path. ..her grin sent beams of kaleidoscopic lights into the hearts of others. ..vitality and grace emanated from her liveliness. ..her laughter was a stimulating melody that bounced from one to another. ..she had a tendency to always engage in dynamic activity. ..still, she never protested for she had a collection of contagious joy. ..surrounding trees were captivated by her earth-loving presence. ..their gaze could not be broken.. ..... But where did she run off to?

The purpose was to have fun. But the result was a jolt of reality and regret. ... I can still remember how the air was ice and the way it froze my bones. The toxins within slaved away to make me ignore the chill and persuaded my mind to follow my solitary pressing desire. Mmm, the quest for the secluded site had a great effect on the buzzing chemistry - it surged the craving to a ravenous extent. Journeying through the streets with a cocky manner and unsteady limbs was challenging... yet sexy. Patience had evaporated into the icy night. He took my frosted fingers to guide me to the cold wet metal. Here we hastily removed the garments necessary to end the prolonged appetite. The growling hunger tore at us, forcing us to react with accelerated friction, to and fro, in and out. Ahh, sliding and massaging was exhilarating. Speed and passion was the key. But then... wet... ...too much. The only protection had been fractured. Static filled the air, my lungs, my mind. Panic took hold of my nerves and rippled into my conscious- the very instrument that had been absent when I needed it most. Massive waves of disappointment overcame all other emotions, thoughts, and feelings. It shook my world out of position. With luck, there were no physical life/death consequences. Nonetheless it influenced detrimental emotions.

I have to take charge. Be the train conductor. Take the tracks to my desired destination. ...The place where the sun rays touch, where everything that happens makes you rich with smiles and laughter. ...The place where the air you breathe intoxicates you with this elated feeling of being alive. ...No drug could ever match this place. I've been here before. But I have forgotten the way... Which train track is it? I must find it again. I need to have control of myself- body and mind. I am powerless against my actions now; I need to defeat my weaknesses. But I possess so many. Well... the first step to getting better would be to get in the conductors seat this time. Not the passengers' seating... I'll see how far I get... see if I can drop off some depressive skills I have been dragging with me. And pick up some tips for motivation... The time is now.

I don't want to admit it, but I've hopped back on that train that takes me to the sad place. The journey there was puzzling. I didn't realize where I was going until it stopped and ejected me from my comfortable, warm and happy seat and into the ice cold world of Sad. It happened so fast, I don't even remember why I got on the train in the first place.. ... Was it to escape something? What was I running from? I certainly couldn't have been running from the happy place I was at because it was a stable place. I can't think of what could have made me get on the train... ... Perhaps I was forced by the Demon Stressors life throws at us. The things that come crawling up through your skin and swimming through your veins to firmly grasp your heart and mind. They don't let go because they pump their pressure into you so that you keep feeding them. Their diet relies on your constant worry and tension. Your thoughts and motivation have been burdened by their presence. They are unshakeable until you learn the skills to conquer your stress... ... I need the recipe to that trick.

Lately I've been so confused. I want to understand myself and love myself again. I don't know why I keep feeling this way- it's driving me psycho. One moment I'm up. Another I'm down. I was doing fine until this weekend. I don't know what happened.... maybe it was Valentines Day that got to me... another year without a date... knowing he probably has one... or maybe not cuz he wants to hang out with me... whyyyy??? Why does he torture me so? He stopped loving me. He's been killing my soul since. It's a strain to smile, to move, to breathe. I don't like to be dramatic. It sounds like I am exaggerating. But this is honestly how I feel. Seeing him with that girl last summer was an electric shock of 1,000 volts. What if he did abandon me for her? So what if he did. We had agreed to move on... ... then why haven't I? .... oh wait, I did... and I hurt that other guy... the reason why I feel worse. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I know the only person who can help me is myself. I have the power to change how I feel and act. I can change to a happy mood. ... so why haven't I? ... what is taking me so long to be happy again? To feel the enchantment of life? Life is very good to me. I have no reason to feel like this except for him... He who haunts my dreams. My thoughts... Now that he wants to hang out with me, what do I do? Do I go? Do I ignore it? What does he want??? ... me?... ...Is it possible? And why is it that this other guy stopped talking to me for two months?? It hurts when they do that. HE did that to me too... but for three months... So why has this one come back without skipping a beat, just talking as if we hadn't had that glitch where he stopped? He expects me to still have those feelings. But in those two months I protected my heart. I wrapped it in bubble wrap a million times so that I wouldn't hurt as bad as I could have. It'll take him a long time to pop all those bubbles on the bubble wrap to earn my heart again. Two months ago I'd have done anything to see him. I feel numb... I don't know what to do about these boys. They keep crossing my mind.. It is true that I cannot be with anyone until I love myself. But I do love myself. I am just never satisfied with myself. I am constantly disappointed in me. There are many reasons as to why that is. People say I think too much and am too hard on myself and I work too hard. Well, I feel like I don't do enough of those things. But who is right? ...I have so many questions... but I don't have answers. I'm sure they do though. Wow, this feels good. I don't expect anyone to read this (it's pathetically self centered and obnoxiously long I doubt anyone would put up with this entry), but just typing out my thoughts really and truly feels good. Many times when I try to voice my thoughts and feelings to my family and friends, I cannot get them out clearly or straight or anything. It's ridiculous and embarrassing. This way I don't get judged by anyone and my mind is cleared. I like this... ... thank youu...