i feel like ive hit rock bottom 10 times over. and every time i move forward i fall back way worse than before. the only reason i can think of for this is that i was not giving 100 percent. it has sunk in now if i am going to be who i want to be i have to give it my all. my emotions get in the way and the hardest part. but im slowly learning how to move past what im feeling at the time to what needs to be done. there's a lot of things that have happened lately. two rapes, abusive boyfriend of three years, dui's and the whole court thing. but i cannot let myself use that as excuses. hunter is a different story. that pain will never go away. i miss him so much. he's the one thing that keeps me from denying God after all these things happened. i want to talk to Him and just figure out some reason why hunter had to die. so that means i know he is there i want to believe. i dont even feel worthy to pray to God. and going to church i get social anxiety...but again i cant let that hold me back. austin came into my life. maybe he will be like an angel that God sent to me finally. we shall see.

ive been listening to a lot of songs from way back in the day that i forgot existed, and the music and lyrics are really sinking in and effecting me. i never really stopped to appreciate how intricate, inspiring, and creative most music is. there's the poetry aspect which leaves things open for each person to interpret in their own way yet still relate to on a similar level with others.