The first thing they tell you in science is that there are no facts. There are only hypotheses and theories. Since hypothesis may be tested infinitely throughout the course of time, then theories may be constantly disproved and changing. Logic (the base of all science and its purpose, is very necessary to study and especially understand.) The past and present (an probably the future) have shown, many times, these changes in scientific theories. No matter how many experiments scientists compose, the facts remain in the “Laws of Nature.” Most scientists insist they can disprove the Bible and its history. Some scientists claim that they CAN prove that certain things involved or mentioned in the Bible are true. Thus they claim to prove Christianity in some ways. Either way, both sets of scientists are basing their thoughts off of theories. The issue will never be understood. Therefore my understanding of spirituality is that it resides inside of each person for themselves. It is “seen” or rather felt in the form of hope, respect, love, morals, and virtues that are similar in most all minds. The difference is what a person chooses to do with their spirituality that forms the good and evil in this world. This spiritual nature within is connected to the laws of nature. A positive nature includes things like empathy, compassion, love, respect, and honesty. A negative nature is selfish and destructive to others and themselves. Everyone is selfish by nature, however we are also created with a good nature in us. If the selfish part tends to dominate the good, then the way I see it is that part of our role, or meaning, here is to learn to live in harmony with the laws of nature. “Our actions should resonate with the way of nature…” –Amber Brummel. This concept is exactly what Buddha calls “pleasing mother nature.” Some may choose to call Mother Nature God; I believe they are all the same entity. Faith is the driving force to following the laws of nature. We work so hard to overanalyze our surroundings, so that we may control them. The funny part is that they always end up controlling us. We just make it more difficult by creating the illusion that we can fight nature’s laws.

December 23, 2011 I will most likely be spending my Christmas in jail this year. I guess that’s where I belong. It is kinda depressing, however. I think my family is just fed up with me. I don’t blame them. I’m on my own now. It’s not even a new chapter of my life, a new book is what it is. For some reason I’m content at the moment. Hopefully I can keep my head on straight. I need to rearrange my values. Real talk. Good night. December 24, 2011 I always learn something when I come to jail. It’s incredible (in such a negative way) that I have to come here to learn. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my family. I think they are done with me now. Sooo….christmas in jail! What I am learning is that it’s the smallest things that really matter. Like socks and a thermal shirt. I am grateful for what I have, even though before now I lost sight and took everything for granted. December 25, 2011 So here we are! Merry Christmas. This day now marks the beginning of my new life. I will try to find a shelter to go to until I can find a job. Then I will figure it out from there. I am not scared for some fucking reason. I am slowly regaining faith or rather spirituality. I can get through anything with some faith. atleast i think so. we shall see.

that whole "maybe he will be like an angel that God sent to me finally. we shall see" definitely not. he tried he did. i think i was too much for him. which just leads me to believe that nobody can handle me and it's kinda hopeless. so if Godly folks wont help me. ill still have my OWN relationship with Him. however...church and all that shit. so many people have led me to a point where going to church is almost corrupted in a way. that doesn't make sense to some people. but to others. they understand how twisted words and beliefs can get in a big group of people. i have to find "God" for myself

i feel like ive hit rock bottom 10 times over. and every time i move forward i fall back way worse than before. the only reason i can think of for this is that i was not giving 100 percent. it has sunk in now if i am going to be who i want to be i have to give it my all. my emotions get in the way and the hardest part. but im slowly learning how to move past what im feeling at the time to what needs to be done. there's a lot of things that have happened lately. two rapes, abusive boyfriend of three years, dui's and the whole court thing. but i cannot let myself use that as excuses. hunter is a different story. that pain will never go away. i miss him so much. he's the one thing that keeps me from denying God after all these things happened. i want to talk to Him and just figure out some reason why hunter had to die. so that means i know he is there i want to believe. i dont even feel worthy to pray to God. and going to church i get social anxiety...but again i cant let that hold me back. austin came into my life. maybe he will be like an angel that God sent to me finally. we shall see.

ive been listening to a lot of songs from way back in the day that i forgot existed, and the music and lyrics are really sinking in and effecting me. i never really stopped to appreciate how intricate, inspiring, and creative most music is. there's the poetry aspect which leaves things open for each person to interpret in their own way yet still relate to on a similar level with others.