First I would like to say I am new and the reason I got the account was to journal! Nah, not really, I'm planning on commenting on a bunch of songs from all sorts of artists. At the moment it is 3 a.m. and my mind is racing. I can't help but think about a conversation I had with someone who was 20 years older than me. We got onto the topic of "love" and "forever." We were discussing on whether or not you can be with someone you love forever and if there is such a thing as being in love and it lasting forever. By love I mean the type of love that if you're lucky you get to experience where that other person truly is the one. Unexpectedly the conversation lead to the topic of soul mates and if there truly is that other someone made for you. I think I am pretty much a pessimist and I even said that I do not believe in such a thing and my reasons were that I do not believe I will ever last with somebody because I am the type of person who never lets people in. Now I think it is because I have seen so many broken relationships around me that I truly believe people grow tired of each other resulting in an ending to that forever. Now the real kick is that I think I have a hope that maybe I'll find that one girl who'll be mine forever, but I don't think I would let it happen. I believe in soul mates in more of the fact that we sometimes find that soul mate, but there is a chance they remain a friend only and not a lover. Basically, a best friend not a girlfriend/boyfriend. Funny, but I have only let one person truly in and it killed me and still does that they've never let me in as much as I did. I think she is perfect for me, she understands me, cares, smart, funny yet serious, got a good head on her shoulders, blah blah I'm not gonna describe every little thing or else we would be here for years. Now, she knows how I felt, but I don't know if she knows I still feel the same way. I moved 1,000 miles away, but I keep in touch. Mainly by email, because I know she has somebody and I don't want to trouble or pester her on a 24 hour basis. I'm hanging on, I'm trying to let go in the sense of how much I feel for her, and I'm willing to endure the pain of seeing her with others and keep her as a friend. I say to myself I am doing this because I want to keep her around because she truly impacted my life so positively, but I know I have this sick twist of hope that maybe she'll finally see how good I could be for her. I think what kills me is the fact she never gave me a chance, won't tell me why, and has never said "we could never be." (which I wish she would..) I feel maybe it was because she saw me at my lowest and she had told me, "you need a friend, not a lover." It kills me when she ends an email response with "Love you" because I only can think that if only she knew how much I wonder what type of love she means. This is where I am going to rant about how I think love is an overused word because people throw it around as if nothing. Now I have to say I notice it more in the English language because Spanish for instance has several words to use when saying you love an object or food. Then "te quiero" is loosely used as an i love you between most friends and family. Then, when you say "te amo" it literally means that you love someone so deeply, like in relationships. So, I hate the English language because we overuse love and I am probably getting more false hopes deep down inside because I think she truly only means as a friend, but really I secretly hope it would be the same definition I mean it to be. Now the reason I mentioned this is because of the fact I think I do believe in a forever lasting love and in soul mates, but I don't want to because I've seen so much broken, I've been broken, and literally can't let my feelings go for this girl. It is crazy because I've never felt anything like this, but since I first met her I felt something for her. It wasn't her body, but it was her smile. How she seemed so friendly, yet seemed to be practically isolated from the people around. She had some friends, but a lot of people talked shit about her. It was crazy how many people told me I shouldn't associate with her and it went in one ear and out the other. I now find myself comparing every girl I begin talking to, to her. I want them to have that attitude, that compassion, understanding, goals and plans for life, and knowledge like her. I felt she was one of the only girls I've ever met who had all those things I normally want in a girl, plus the extra qualities. The way i could talk about anything with her, from what was going on in the world other than tabloids to complex things such as this. It was something I've never felt to this extreme, an attraction to someone who was not only beautiful on the outside but beyond extraordinary on the inside, and that was only what I saw. Don't get me wrong she had her flaws, but we all do, she accepted mine and hers only seemed to make her even more real. It was the first time my physical attraction was at the same level as my emotional (is that what it is called?) attraction. I've been attracted emotionally to previous ones, but nothing in comparison to this. It sucks, because it truly caught me off guard, I move to a new town and wasn't looking to even make friends much less fall head over heels for somebody. I want to give up, yet I don't. It is driving me crazy though because I ask myself, if I did not believe in love then what do I call my feelings towards her? So I find myself contradicting myself when I begin to think about it. Now I just want to know what you feel about a love lasting forever and soul mates. Like do you truly believe no, like me do you believe you don't but seem to have a hidden hope, or do you 100% believe in it. As for soul mates, what do you believe a soul mate is?