Would you look at that... K decides he's gonna text me. The timing couldn't have been any more disastrous... God help me...

If you don't appreciate pain like i do, if you don't accept failure like i welcome it, do not EVER fall in love. Don't. For your sanity, please don't do it. Last night i died about a 100 times. But somehow i still hold out hope... for what? Would anyone tell me why i have 'MUG' tattooed on my forehead for all to see? Now i realise why i can't trust people. Why i don't want to trust people. Because i leave myself so open and vulnerable. I can't help it, it's how i am. I just wish things were ok again. All i want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask in anything?

So. I started my diet yesterday. So far so good. I had my Weetabix for breakfast, a banana for lunch and some green beans for dinner :) today i had my Weetabix for breakfast, a Weetabix oaty bar for late lunch -- that i didn't even know they did until today! -- and i'm gonna leave my godmother's house soon before i eat her awesome but calorie-fied chicken curry... life's a bitch. Never mind... I deleted K's number a few days ago. I haven't heard from him, i've tried texting but i can't be bothered anymore. I can't. It's a waste of time. So yeah. I'm still single. I was single the whole time. I only gave him my number because he just couldn't get the message that i wasn't interested. Here's where i'd like a little bit of help. How do you get through to a guy who's not listening you're not interested in him? Without knocking him out? Send me a message if you have any ideas... Anyway, gonna go home soon. And go to sleep... over and out.

Hey. I'm thinking coz i haven't heard from K i'm getting the message. I won't say i'm heartbroken... that's one lot of stress i don't need i guess. Still, my life took an interesting twist for the better the day we met. I've learnt a few things about myself too, which is cooler. Speaking of guys! I was heading up to my godmother's house today, thinking i'm totally late for the boys' homework. Halfway there i get stopped by this guy coming out of Balti House. He wants to talk to me! I'm like "oh fuck, heeere we go again!!" he said he saw me walking down the road smiling and he said he had to talk to me once i came down. Reason i was smiling was i was listening to Coldplay. Groovy :) he introduced himself as-- let's call him... A. A from Lebanon. He asked me where i was going, do i live in the area, the usual questions. I said in the end i had a boyfriend :) i said he lived in England too but i guess i lied about that. But it's a good lie? Yeah. Good lie. Hey, he said i looked young and Brazilian?! That's fucking awesome! I've never known to look South American before. They do have some pretty girls there. I was always called a boy so to move from boy to Brazilian is greeaaat! But yeah, A took it well i had a boyfriend. I've never turned a guy down before.He most certainly wasn't a looker though he had big-ish eyes. That's not important though haha. Anyway, dinner time. Ciao for now peeps!

I'm eating chicken curry if anyone's interested :) You'll never guess what happened yesterday! I had a breakthrough. I was talking to my friend... i'm not gonna say what was said but it just makes me realise how much he means to me... i can't ever say it enough. He means the world and more. I love him so much... Just wanted to share that with you :)

Dinner! Yaay!

I just had dinner at my godmothers. I know you're not interested but i got nothing else to say right now. After i'm done here i'm gonna go home and... do something. It's too late for biscuits now, the shop's shut. Can't get a takeaway coz they aren't open on Mondays. Usually the only time you want it, when it's shut :| I'll figure something out. I might just park myself in front of the tv all night with a pizza. See what happens.

Oh boy, i can't cook. I got home yesterday and (tried to) get me a midnight meal... pasta! Yum. But as soon as i put it in my bowl, it was still kinda dark and... uncooked. Oh well, it's only me. I don't mind poisoning myself. I felt a bit better having some pizza before bed. I had a cold slice for breakfast too. I might grab some biscuits on the way home... GAH!!! I'm supposed to be losing weight! I need to stop eating before i explode :( never mind... if anyone has anything to say, even if it's insulting, say away. And i'll get back to you when i can.

Hey. I managed to sleep yesterday which was nice. Slept for six hours, talked to my friend for a few hours, then went back for another six hours sleep, now i'm round my godmother's house for dinner. Yum, can't wait! I still haven't heard from K. Good thing, bad thing, i don't know. The other day when were texting, when i said to him that i didn't think he would ever talk to me again. After i tried to say i couldn't see him anymore. This is what i got back: 'u are my girl how am i not gonna talk to u' Why? Why does anyone feel that way about me? Of all people in this world, me? I don't understand. I'm not worth that, i'm really not. As much as i would love someone to feel that way about me, but i feel nothing back. And this is where i'm going wrong. My intentions might be to stay friends and i might think i mean well, even if we kiss every now and again. But i don't understand how i come across. It's like i want to be with him and that's not the case. I don't want to be mean to anyone. But, i'll say every time i'm gonna tell him straight that i just wanna be friends, but if we're gonna end up making out instead, what point am i trying to make? (sigh) never mind...

OMGGGGGGG!!! What has been going on!!! A crazy date, lots of cutting, a dodgy haircut, lots and lots of love... whoo, i need a breather. Ok from the beginning. I have no idea where i left off and i'm not bothered enough to read back. So i went out again with K -- let's call the guy K -- and i was going out with the intentions of being completely honest and telling him that we're just friends... uhm... so we were driving and then we pull up at this flat... and it just so happened to be his? hehe. He wandered off somewhere and i'm sitting in his car staring at his door thinking "this is gonna be the biggest no of my life" and it just so happened to be that! I was good. i behaved. I did! Though we did kinda make out on his sofa... The next day i was out shopping with mum before i was going round to my godmother's to help the boys with the homework. Now, I'd gotten home the night before after seeing K and i looked in the mirror and i saw these weird marks on my neck. Oh well, i thought. Not actually thinking of what they could be. Considering i've never even been kissed before... i should have put two and two together really. And mum sorta spotted the hickie... she was pretty pissed. And is still pissed. And this is about a month ago? Maybe more? But nothing else happened. And i'm not stupid enough to let it get that far. As of now, K and i are kinda on-off. We haven't seen each other since. I tried to end it and say i couldn't see him anymore, coz of mum. But he still texts me and still wants to see me. So that didn't work :| We're sort of trying to see each other again but we're both just too busy. See what happens there... I still have absolutely no feelings whatsoever with the guy. But i can get away with it coz i'm twice as young as he is ;) So what else was i talking about? Oh yeah... the one person in this world that i do love with all my heart... he's been pretty down of late so i'm trying to be the best friend i can be and be there for him. Without going into any details... when he told me, i was really shocked. But not surprised. I knew as soon as i saw her i didn't trust her. I didn't know whether to feel sad or happy. I don't wanna sound totally cruel but i was just happy that she wouldn't be hurting him anymore. But i know how much it meant to him. I just hope i can help as much as i can. I'm trying :) maybe now he could notice me. But i'm not pretty enough, or skinnier, or intelligent or anything. But i love him so much it kills me every single second of every day. He just has no idea what he means to me. Grr, i have not slept a wink since yesterday. Well, i was up all night talking to him :) i am so tired right now. And fat. I need to go on a diet.