Harder than it sounds it's like giving up a bad habbit but it had to be done - now if I get the urge to appologize, extend the olive branch, ect.. I simple cannot - I've deleted all 'electronic' contacts from B.H. which i still can't beleive the initias are the same as BAD HABBIT - fuck it's so symbolic of my life!!! I have always been looking for someone else to make my life special, I have always thought we celebrate by getting a pat on the back or a cheers with a drink. comming to the realization that success is in the quiet times, without drama, maybe not even serene but almost square a genuine smile that returns over and over because your ok with your life. you know that your living your turth and not worried about what you thought people expected. Having the right to change your mind, having the right to choose to be happy doing the same things over and over and having an appreciation for it - or make a big move!? what ever???? I used to think when i was successfull things would seem shinier or there would be some big hurray for me party and when that didn't happen i got sad or lonely or turned to drink or turned to 'friends' that only wanted a good time. Now maybe I am happy just to realize i have friends that I can honestly say I want to know the rest of my life! How great is that? So I am deleting a contact of someone i was pretty passionate about someone who i thought represented how i wanted to live in my new life - with this deletion i am deleting any pretence that went along with it - hey man i am just gonna live no goals today just appreciation.

in the dark times i sort of long for him but all in all becomming indifferent. I worry about about him but he's a grown up so... I don't think he is going to come to the studio any more. I was an iddiot friday night got a little tipsy and sent him a link to a pretty cool song - there was no connitations but still sending someone somthing on the internet at like 11pm on a friday night shows i was thinking of him i feel studpid. at least i haven't received a email or somthing saying leave me the f#ck alone. Due to the randome peace offering I've made. I think i am done trying to make up for any mistakes he may not have forgiven me for. I was mad that he was so mad and kind of narrow minded. But now not so much I wanted to try and persude him of my good nature regardless if we are friends are not - but now I don't have that urge. Thank hevean. I think if the shit hit the fan and I left town I wouldn't even try to contact him. I want him to find his way leave him be, he wants so much to start his own life and it is so cute oh to be that age again. He's in such a rush to be a man that he doesn't see with age you less tends to surprise you - which kind of sucks. You don't fall Madly in love with people, Money is important ect... Any how the feelings of hoping to run into him are going away - not entirely but mostly.