Harder than it sounds it's like giving up a bad habbit but it had to be done - now if I get the urge to appologize, extend the olive branch, ect.. I simple cannot - I've deleted all 'electronic' contacts from B.H. which i still can't beleive the initias are the same as BAD HABBIT - fuck it's so symbolic of my life!!! I have always been looking for someone else to make my life special, I have always thought we celebrate by getting a pat on the back or a cheers with a drink. comming to the realization that success is in the quiet times, without drama, maybe not even serene but almost square a genuine smile that returns over and over because your ok with your life. you know that your living your turth and not worried about what you thought people expected. Having the right to change your mind, having the right to choose to be happy doing the same things over and over and having an appreciation for it - or make a big move!? what ever???? I used to think when i was successfull things would seem shinier or there would be some big hurray for me party and when that didn't happen i got sad or lonely or turned to drink or turned to 'friends' that only wanted a good time. Now maybe I am happy just to realize i have friends that I can honestly say I want to know the rest of my life! How great is that? So I am deleting a contact of someone i was pretty passionate about someone who i thought represented how i wanted to live in my new life - with this deletion i am deleting any pretence that went along with it - hey man i am just gonna live no goals today just appreciation.

in the dark times i sort of long for him but all in all becomming indifferent. I worry about about him but he's a grown up so... I don't think he is going to come to the studio any more. I was an iddiot friday night got a little tipsy and sent him a link to a pretty cool song - there was no connitations but still sending someone somthing on the internet at like 11pm on a friday night shows i was thinking of him i feel studpid. at least i haven't received a email or somthing saying leave me the f#ck alone. Due to the randome peace offering I've made. I think i am done trying to make up for any mistakes he may not have forgiven me for. I was mad that he was so mad and kind of narrow minded. But now not so much I wanted to try and persude him of my good nature regardless if we are friends are not - but now I don't have that urge. Thank hevean. I think if the shit hit the fan and I left town I wouldn't even try to contact him. I want him to find his way leave him be, he wants so much to start his own life and it is so cute oh to be that age again. He's in such a rush to be a man that he doesn't see with age you less tends to surprise you - which kind of sucks. You don't fall Madly in love with people, Money is important ect... Any how the feelings of hoping to run into him are going away - not entirely but mostly.

It's been two weeks since he told me that he doesn't have much left to say to me regarding us persueing a proper relationship and about 10 days since i totally pissed him off - yea it's taking time I am trying to forgive myself and move on and in his words 'leave me be' but he's still there in my mind and in my heart. little funny things i want to email him. I wonder if he chucked my daisy plant I wonder if he knows I am sorry - I wonder if he knows how badly I would even appreciate an aquaintenceship. I deleated him from facebook so I wouldn't tempt my self into stocking him, so my activities or posts if they are sad he doesn't need to see that. I am trying to give him space. Yesterday I saw him rideing his bike, the other day he was at the studio and he forced a hello - but it's like we're not really seeing eachother like we are cardboard marketing cutouts. I am in a realationship I want out of I told him everything about it and he told me to be patient and he'd be there for me and it would all work out everything in good time he said his dad says that. I was gonna leave this guy in July with his friendship it seemed like it would be a touch easier with the hope of openly dateing it was a rainbow at the end of the storm. Now I just exist putting off the plan I had before I met my new now old now ex friend. I know to be my authentic self I need to start anew and say good by to this guy had been committed to for so long - here is the thing - he makes me feel like i need to appologize for being myself. i see so many double standards. i feel like we live in the 50's it's his kingdom and i am this 2 dimentional charactor. we've never done anything together. i feel so alone eventhough i have a partner. what's self sabatoging me is my morbid nature. I keep thinking like i am gonna die any day and it's nice to have company. Even though i am not 'in love' any more it's something i could teach myself todo again - because life is so short. Can you teach your self to fall back in love with someone? Or will these irreconsilable differences present themselfs later and suddenly we are two years older and I am revisiting the same decisions oddly enough the same reason to not do anything 'lifes short i think i might die tomorrow' is the very reason to do something like my origional plan. OR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Does everybody end up in this powerstruggle relationship where you get bitter when the other one is spending your hard earned money - or that you have to be one way around one person (your partner) and anotherway around your friends? Even if you've known the partner longer? See the friends i have now are newer and we are not too close i mean in the way that i don't really burden anyone with my narcisim hence the journal (btw i am a terrible speller especially when i am purgeing) so i have no roots with anyone my family is far away and is a disfunctional blended family. My partner is not on the same wave length as me and the whole time we've been together i was content in trying to please him and persuade him that i was fantastic. This past year i realize i don't relish that or care to convince him or me any more - now he seems a little more warm and careing then before!!! before i had little credibility. I am at this place in my life that i realize i creat my own world and sometimes there are things in our lives that we wouldn't nessisary invite in today if it came knocking - so what to do? It's not the 50's people don't stay together forever???? we never did have children I think I know what i need to do god i love this journaling

Detox, food, drink, people, thoughts, action and expression - report back l8tr tiz not even 830 yet - ha.

I was angry that I fell for someone they wouldn't follow through on some of the things they said they would. I was angry that falling for someone doesn't mean everything is going to work out how you dreamed it would - even if at the beggining your special person is telling you everything is gonna work out. I was angry that this person did not forgive me when I was broken hearted and sort of put my foot in mouth. I was angry that I have only got a cold shoulder when I would have never ever treated anyone who i cared about that way. But today, I am not - to day I see recovery - today I see I will be well - today is limitless. Today I don't even wish that he'll get his Karma - I don't even wish his next girlfriend will crush him. ha ha I actually he does well. What is in store for me - well everything I told him about at our first coffee date - my personal life, my proffesional asperations, I am re affirming and looking to share my positive out look with many people. I am looking for ways to contribute big and small. Today I give thanks for the Sun and even the wind.

thanks sm gosh how this helps

Like I didn't make a big enough mess!!!! i stopped by his apartment with a humble appologie letter - not trying to repair anything just sorry i offended him i had no idea he had this 'disorder' left a little potted plant and the apologie letter (very short) and decided to set him free. It's hard tho. I don't like it when people are mad at me - i thought i was a thoughtfull person now i see i have some of my own work to do. i will learn some lessons from this. i hope one day he isn't mad at me anymore. i wish him all the courage in the world to tell people of his disorder and get support. i would love to give that support but aparantly i am part of the stress that fuels his disorder. who would have thought you could cause someone so much stress - someone who invited you into their life? he asked me for coffee, he asked me to dinner, he asked me for the first kiss, oh god i can't think of this anymore. it was so rare the things we had in commen not everything but weird things i've been thinking only one in a million people could have that in commen with me. i wanted to treasure that and him. now I can only wish him fierce courage and steadfast. xo i'll miss you xo

Well I sent this to my ex, he didn't reply we've only been apart for 4 days - I sent a text saying ok this poem was a bad idea but i needed the closer - since he dumped me. then he didn't return the text - so the end of the day i sent another email (like i am an iddiot man!) saying you could be sensitive, have some empathy i feel like an asshole for being hurt you don't want me in your life - that's kinda unnearving. Anyhow he calls me back and says you over reacting iddiot (parafrasing) I was out of town all day! oh god now I am hurt, embarassed, and look like a moron! I ask him to be kind about it because I really miss him I haven't seen or really talked to him in a very long time as I see now he must have been giving me the cold shoulder for a while and I again the moron didn't notice. He wouldn't really give me that he didn't act like he understood he was really annoyed I asked him why and he blurts out he has a disorder and I am an asshole for making him admit it! Somthing he hasn't told anyone!!! oh god from worse to gutter - I was on the wagon for a while but when I finally got home last night at 9pm I drank almost a whole bottle of wine!!! Today i went to his appartment left him an appology letter and a plant at his door. FUCK!!!!! I really did this to myself!But today is new and i am determined to get back on the wagon and carry on - how did i make such a mess? well I move to soon, I care too much, I need to hug in and give myself some of that attention. God I am gonna miss that boy - I wish we could make it work - but i don't blame him oh a thousand times over i don't blame him. xo time to hang with me see if i can use some of this passion in my own life xo

Could there be sun this day, wanting a new life in the making Conversations with a traveler,mmm possibilities for my taking Asks for coffee, maidens throat tightens, oh shaking Can I have a kiss, my mouth waters, I’ve been waiting Dinner far away, dreaming my life away, I had no idea Oh you’d never seen 3 months, forlorn, my apprehension Relating, and baiting, planning, and revelling, oh sensation Surpassing your best you drink from the cup, I had no idea Some one I didn’t know you pushed, I fell, I sank this day… Collecting from the dark side, a back, oh another lesson You’ve trounced, ready, I needed armour its treason Braving words, gift, friend, oh no staying away You had no idea; mmm you took my breath today No rapport, silence’s punishment, wanting you, failing The Skies are grey; court runs away, voices trailing A mere recess, in the field’s garbage and abscess The ruins smoke up the guilt and common grounds Your accomplishment bands a fool, oh wanders the towns Grinding words, be well, quieting the heart sounds I had no idea, its grey today, oh the storms wager this day