but i already do...

i still loved you then,

and love you now too

enough to know i should let you go

but i've one last request as i do

please think fondly sometimes of your lonely calypso

and know she wants happiness for you

my psyche desired a pursuit from you

i realized that's something you won't ever do

(at least not in the way that I want you to)

twice offered,  twice bitten, i knew it was over

before it had ever begun, we were through:

something you told me in myriad ways

something you already knew

---------

i know there is love because i'm not completely desolated; i am not inconsolable. there is an empty dull ache and a heavy sadness but i am also happy for you. she is wonderful and beautiful and sweet and kind and full of love. she can only be good for you. as i've said before,

you + me = negative empathic feedback loop.

bad timing, indeed

approached you first for comfort

in a time of need

but you offered none

told me you were gone

nattered on about the same two knives who always cut you


you seem not to want me unless you can't have me

now i'm here: you disappear

now that i'm free you no longer want me

or never really did


i've been calling your name

but i'm weary of games

i don't have the will to keep score anymore

desire must have fled, or it's all in my head

or i no longer feel what you're sending


you seem not to care

so tell me why, then,

should i offer my heart to be broken again?

it's on lockdown

for the forseeable future


thus rejected, i stopped looking

but something came looking for me



grief makes people do terrible things

emerging from a fugue state

overwhelming, inundate


obviously i've been out of my mind:

still inexcusable, no less unkind

i'm not vindictive by nature

but i had a pretty good teacher


i knew just what i did

i dared

the worst part is:  i didn't care

although i know i should

and didn't turn away affection offered

though i never would have proffered first

and resisted only weakly


pass judgment if you'd like

but first, try being human

live my hell experience

before you judge in spite

and contemplate your own exploits if you'd condemn me privately


can't fall off your high horse

if you never take a risk

but that's a jump i just can't see you taking

another leap you won't be making


anyone who takes me now

has only my body

and not my heart

that was yours but you tossed it out

now it's no one's

right now it's fit for nothing anyway


but my soul belongs to me

and you have no right to condemn it

it's not your place to condemn it

but call me a whore if that makes you feel better

and maybe first you should look in the mirror