A funny story: (also true)

I tried to draw some love for you

Not realizing

I would be the one drawn in the process.

The mistake of a 13 year novice

 

The lesson here: (it's pretty clear)

Unless you can ensure

the impartiality of your heart,

Don't meddle in the affairs of men

Especially not in matters of love

Unless they have specifically asked

for you to be of service

songs still have power, you know they do

it's how I fell in love with you

a clear-eyed mind would know it's true

don't play dumb

Virgin of Amnesia

 

though I see right through your ruse

-- intentionally vague to keep me confused --

it still is quite effective.

really wish I were your muse

but they could be for her, or no one

here comes my invective:

 

all you said meant everything

with or without a banner

the trouble was knowing your subject

it’s unclear from your manner

 

it serves your purpose

to keep me uncertain

dare I think it's me?

if I don't know, the fault is mine

add another to the list

of many who have hurt you

 

a hypocrite’s laughable claim:

no drug can keep you down,

yet you sleep through everything

and forget all the proof you'd ever need

 

do you recall a thing I’ve said to you?

can't you see the way I look at you?

can't you feel what I think at you?

If not, then maybe what you say is true

 

speak to me as no one can

entice me with your craft

then push me to see if I’ll react

love isn't safe but we both know pain

it’s proof you can make me feel something

 

easy to blame me for how you feel

if you ever remembered, you'd know it was real

hide from me, lie to me, I can't steal

what doesn't want to walk away

I’m not a very good thief

 

Lady Lamb wrote a blue book for you

"I'm undone forever for knowing you," or

"I wish we'd never met":

only one of those is true

she burned it. wasted effort.

you wouldn't read it if I sent it to you

or you would misinterpret

 

I’m no biondetta--that's for sure

but jealousy makes me ugly

regret makes me old and weary

 

draw me close, push me away

take care,  don't reveal what would make you stay

complain how another one got away

continue to drive me mad

 

I never saw you take that stand

I might have gone with you if you had

but still you won't, and sing the song

of how some temptress broke your heart

when it's you that does the breaking

 

set yourself free? good for you.

I’m still here, suffering for you

fool that I am, trapped in time

the knitting needle through my eye

says "hello" and "f**k you"

 

pretend to cut you loose

but really, I’ll never be free of you

ever the martyr, I think of

all the pain I must have saved you

when we both know you'll find a way

to keep yourself unhappy

no matter what I do

 

as far as you go,

as long as you stay,

I’ll still pine for you

going mad for you

 

"I wish you

had never known me

or that you had killed me

before you went."

-- but we both know that's a lie too

 

dangerous to know? maybe so.

does that mean me or you?

 

 

-----

 

and what about your marigold hair?

I’ve noticed she only seems to care

when I get close to you.

I "draw" things, I do

my wishes come true

but seldom the way I want them to

 

does she know unknowable things?

does she cry whenever you sing?

can she speak to you in dreams?

if so, then better keep her

you'll get bored with me anyway

and we've probably run out of things to say

 

but there’s no shortage of what I feel

for me, at least, that still is real

 

though I chide you I’m still your fool

why else would I look for signs of you

where none exist, or have been long erased

 

clinging to shreds of memory

rewoven the way I’d like them to be

nowhere near the truth

or if it is, I’d have no way to know

 

you, in black, in shadowed light

perhaps the most arresting sight

I’ve looked upon, ever, but definitely that night

you wouldn’t know, you wouldn’t look at me

 

if you had, you would easily

know what power you have over me

trying to hide but still aware

that everyone else could see

transfixed, breathless, holding back tears

you awaken emotions that I fear

but at the end of the night

you have no interest in closing the deal

or going home with me

 

because I will not tempt you

with promises I can’t keep

others do, and take from you

what I want but never get

because I won't lie to you

 

and once I’m able to speak I’ll find

you'll have no thought for me

I’m older every day

and much too far away

you'll have so many from which to choose

I won't even cross your mind

 

the time and place for us? here and now

but there are certain obstacles

once surmounted, opportunity's past

 

you're a memory to torment me forever

a ghost to prey upon imagination

knowing you never

loving you ever

(this is why I think I need sedation)

because of the site relaunch.

It's probably better that way, as you seem to have moved on.  If I had any goddamned sense, I would too.

 

Some things will always be yours, though. YHF and Kaputt will always, always make me think of you. And Rainwater Cassette Exchange.  There are many others as well, but those are at the top of the list right now.

 

No energy to dig any deeper right now.  I'm anesthetized.