but last time I did that, you didn't exactly seem happy to see me and you wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I'm more fragile than most in many respects; I just hide it fairly well sometimes. I don't like rejection. So instead of going where I know you are because I really want to see you, I'm either going to sit at home and cry and feel nauseous or go drink somewhere you aren't. How's that for fucked up and immature? I'm telling you, I have problems. I want to see you RIGHT NOW, but I'm not so dense that I haven't noticed our mutual friends have recently decided not to respond to texts or messages from me if they're with you. They used to. Are they trying to prevent a disaster or am I just paranoid? There's some more evidence for you that I'm a crazy mess. I can't tell if it's a function of this situation or the cause or both but either way, it continues in an escalating cycle and I just feel worse about it and farther apart from you every day.

I thought I was done feeling like an idiot teenager, but I feel pretty stupid and powerless right now, and angry and deeply ashamed that I can't just show up where you are and not care what people think about it. I used to know how to do that. I want to see you and be able to give you a hug that is maybe just a little too intimate to be just friendly, and kiss you on the cheek but maybe accidentally just a little too close to your neck, and surreptitiously run my fingers through your hair while I whisper in your ear, and spend the rest of the evening talking to you while thinking about what I'd rather be doing with you. I miss the days when we could do that without consequence or interruption. And yeah, I'm jealous as fuck when I see you with other girls. How fucked is that? Completely hypocritical and unfair, I know...but yes, it hurts me.