a conversation I'm not entirely sure I imagined:

Shocked Girl Friend: "You are IN LOVE WITH HIM!"

me: "I know, shut up. I'll get over him and we'll be friends. It's the only thing that can happen."

I am always deliriously, ridiculously, embarrassingly happy to see you, and I imagine and fear that it is painfully obvious to everyone. Then I immediately start drinking as much as I can because I can't handle being near you although I desperately want exactly that. I don't even know what happened after you showed up except that I knew I would need another pitcher of beer. I remember we started talking and I do remember a bit of what we talked about: movies, cigarettes, money for recording. I remember telling him where I was and know that I ordered a drink for him but don't actually recall doing so. Then nothing else but a very dim recollection of him arriving, a flash of the drive home, a piece of an argument. I don't know what I said to anybody. I'm sure it was all idiotic and shameful. I'm certain I acted like an ass.

I keep fucking this up every time I try to fix it. I feel like the smart thing to do would be to stay away from you until I get over you so we can be friends, but I don't think I can stand to be away from you for that long, and selfishly, I also don't want to get over you. I'm a fucking addict. I am terribly ashamed that I continue to refuse to cultivate the willpower to act responsibly. I'd like to make excuses about my mental health or blame the medications I've been taking, but really, I'm just selfish. I deserve your scorn, derision, hatred. Yes, I am a liar and a coward. Listen to how pathetic I sound! I'm fucking nuts.

I'm terrified that you will end up hating me. I used to know how to behave. I know this is a fucked-up situation of my own creation, and it's entirely my fault. I am a grown woman acting like a child. I should be able to control myself but either can't or won't, not sure which. My behavior is hurting you (I think, unless I am experiencing delusions of reference again, which is entirely possible). You didn't ask for this. I am a selfish, horrible, narcissistic person. For all these things I want to die. I probably should die. But I won't.

I know none of this is your problem or responsibility. It is also not a thinly veiled request for help. I just want you to know why I act the way I do. Sometimes I think it would be nice if you could see this so you could understand, but I'm afraid understanding me would make you hate me. My constant neurotic need for reassurance and validation is a drain on everybody. Maybe a period of sobriety would fix this. Maybe I will try that this weekend. (emotionally immature madwoman, damaged)

Do you think this is some kind of fucking game for me? Since the last time we actually talked at length, I've cried for you every day. If it happens when I'm not alone, I make up lies about why I cry. Then I contemplate suicide, which is something I haven't felt in years. I actually have enough pills to do it now. I won't. I'm sure that sounds juvenile, but unfortunately, it's how I feel. Don't presume you are the only one hurt, and don't accuse me of not having emotions or toying with you. I wanted desperately to see you. I could not.

I just want to listen to music with you and talk to you. Actually, I would like much more than this but I know it is impossible. I wish I could still hold you to comfort you, but I think that might be dangerous. I certainly don't expect you to be content with just screwing around on the side. You deserve better. And if in some alternate future we ever found ourselves in a situation in which we could truly be together, you would never trust me because you would think I am the kind of person that is capable of cheating. I've actually done it once. It feels awful. It destroys everything.

Please at least let me have your friendship. I can't stand to be apart from you. When I asked if we could please be friends again because I miss you so much and it just kills me not to see you, I really meant it. I still mean it. I've always meant it since I saw you talking to my cat at a party and wondered who you were. Please, please, please don't walk away from me. I need you. If all we can do is listen to music together, I'll take it. We may find that was all we really needed from each other.